Naked Girl in a Big Gay World

Word Of The Day: Accident.

2011-11-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

It's NOT a bad thing. I know 'Accident' makes most people automatically think 'It's a Bad Thing'.

It is not.

Some people pre-emptively call it a 'Happy Accident'. I say screw that.It's not precise.The truth is that this thing that happened to me was an accident; an accident that made me happy.

I am SO happy about it.

And now the word 'happy' has lost all meaning for me, so I will henceforth use others. Choices include 'giddy', 'ecstatic', 'enthralled'; and terms such as 'over the moon', 'unable to comprehend' and 'giggldi-sassifras' - which is nonsense, yes - but borne of sheer excitement.

Oh that I could tell you why.

I include this entry in my blog because I know this time next year, it will be greatly valued - maybe not by you, but definitely me. Especially when I'm 135.

Wow, that seems so indulgent and affected. But it's true.

Today something happened to me that marked the completion of an accident; an accident that began 7 months ago. It was a 'pure' accident, one without intent or pre-concieved notions. Accidents can be like that.

Accidents are not things that happen; they are things you cause without meaning to.

I did this thing and then something happened and now here we are. Maybe not specifically, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that Accidents are not always bad. They can cause Great and/or 'great' things.

Either way, someone's getting a story to tell the grandkids.

SNIPPETS: I

2011-05-18T01:03:00.000-07:00

It surprises me to say this, but you can forgive most things as a child.

Things happen to you, but at least you are innocent of causality. You are malleable, still forming; your bones, your psyche - you can be shaped to fit; bend without breaking. You might look back and wish things hadn’t happened but at the time they seem only different - not abnormal, because the baseline for normal has not yet been set. It is not until you are fully formed that events become T-intersections in your life.

As a child, things certainly happened that shaped me. As a child, I was raised in an environment of intense faith and yet, I was often confronted by its absence, or the antithesis-of. I grew into many things, and when the veil of childhood was swiftly and bleakly lifted, all burgeoning things became quite clear. It was a confronting, but not unwelcome experience.

I strode with these experiences, not always in acceptable directions (but from the books I read, often expected). If I had the time or inclination to explain my every outlandish hair colour, outfit, music choice and unsavoury action, I would - but as the tone of this sentence implied, I won’t, and I stand by that.

I will say things became rocky on the day my father decided to call the whole thing off, and that day kicked many things into clarity for me – including an instinct for trouble, talent for lying and ability to fake things you should not, such as intimacy, understanding and giving a sweet god-damn.

It was a big day.

I can also tell you that, in the years that followed, I gained a wonderfully bizarre mix of abandonment issues and hatred of human intimacy. They flourished gradually, but there was a definite period of cataclysm involved.

I remember a moment from those soon-after years, so simple and defining, that it sticks with me. To summarise a myriad of analogies, I suppose it is as good as any another.

Upon being invited to a movie with a group of friends, I dressed and waited by the door, only to find my mother waiting expectantly with me. Having then been given a list of reasons why she wasn’t invited, she turned to me and begged, “Don’t do this to me. You’re my best friend. I need you.”

I don’t remember the movie. I remember arriving very late. It was just after I had that bad perm. I think I was 11.

*

Taking The Piss For Mental Acuity: A Sustainability Assignment

2011-02-23T08:05:00.000-08:00

I snark at you because you can take it.

So, I started a 'Tertiary Preparation Course' (aka: i can haz university degreez plz) at TAFE two-and-a-half weeks ago. For those of you needing an international analogy, please substitute 'TAFE' for local-college-but-non-university-institution of your choice.

Having already completed the 'top level' of high school academic certification requirements, I am undertaking this course in order to brush up on science and mathematics skills seldom used during the last decade of my (illustrious?) English-based journalistic / PR career.

That being said, I am perhaps taking the piss out of other parts of the syllabus. But I'll leave you to judge.

Tonight I completed a 250-500 word assessment on the subject of 'Sustainability'. I put this off to the last moment because, after having to read through the assessment requirements (out loud in class, slow enough for some to follow with fingers), I decided the subject was too over-hyped to be enjoyed and certainly too involved to be responsibly broached via such a limited word count.

Really though, I am a wanker, and embrace my arrogance while still completing a task, goddammit.

So, here it is.

Please, taste my tongue in cheek.

Confessions of a Rampant Consumer.

I understand that ‘sustainability’ has become a catchphrase of today’s mainstream (and scientific) literature. I understand why that is – the conscientious use of our planet and its resources will ensure the survival of future generations, and the continuance of the human race is a biological imperative for us all.

But I am a rampant consumer.

The thing about sustainability is, that the ‘essential needs of an individual must not be compromised to preserve the wider conscientiousness of the human race’.

What does this mean for the unabashed swallower of fossil fuels and supporter of the comforts therein?

Well...

In order to maintain my sanity, I drive my car.

Sometimes this means a journey locally; sometimes three-and-a-half hours to Melbourne. I would argue that the saving on my mental equilibrium allows me to be an effective member of society; in turn, this saves a large percentage of societal and economical resources I would otherwise consume in the form of therapeutic services (psychotherapy and counselling), as well as additional stipends from government welfare for sickness benefits.

I use, on my journeys, ethanol-additive fuels. An e10, or 10% ethanol additive petrol – gives me a higher octane and lower CO2 emission-rating than regular unleaded fuels, and thus makes my car more environmentally – and economically – friendly than pre-1998, regular unleaded engines. As the car I now drive is a 2002-badge, 2.1L Toyota Corolla, this is also the first car I have ever driven that I can feel environmentally smug about, in a Greeny, ‘adverse-to-fossil-fuels’ kind of a way.

Yay me.

But realistically, I would drive to the toilet if it was possible.

I understand the effects of limited fossil fuel consumption. I understand that locally grown and transported foods, items and fuels are beneficial to the environment in their reduction of carbon emissions and waste products. It takes less to make less, and that’s a good thing. I understand the importance of limiting my carbon footprint however and wherever possible.

However...

Major supermarket franchises such as Coles and Woolworths stock ‘home brand’ products at a significantly reduced price to my pocket, if not the planet. I do not eat fruits out of season – yay me – but the regional obscurity of Wagga means that I have no guilt buying state or-internationally imported goods, including alcohol (specifically wine), clothing and – obviously – cars. And the fossil fuels expended importing these goods do not keep me up nights, because my belly is full and my wallet expenditure is reasonably easily recouped.

So, I am a rampant expender, and a rampant consumer. And until corporations and government drive me to be otherwise, I will remain so unabashedly, and with ease.

The thing about sustainability is, that it cannot compromise the needs of an individual.

And right now, I need my car.

Note: Don’t think that I’m blindly sceptical – it’s just that I realise every drop of information must be taken with a grain of sand. Although, not necessarily in your engine.

A crazy examination of the paradoxical nature of love.

2010-06-16T04:38:00.000-07:00

I have been in relationships where the only thing I was in love with was love.

I used to think that made me a romantic. And I am, you know – a romantic. It may seem antithetical to my daily behaviour, but I believe in love. I have faith in it.

As I get older; as I meet more people living traditionally ‘unconventional’ lives, my certainty that love contains an element of forever has wavered, but my hope that it does has not.

Old-fashioned love is my blind faith; my invisible sky lizard with magical powers of magicalness.

We all have our strange religions.

But I’ve realised as I’ve gotten older, that being in love with being in love is not a romantic gesture. As an idea, it has a certain sweet naivete, but there is nothing romantic about putting it into practice. Because I have stayed in relationships where the only thing I was in love with, was love.

It took me a long time to realise what that meant. I have struggled to separate the feeling of love from the act of being in love. Or perhaps not being in love, but being in a relationship - that’s where the difference lies. It took me a long time to realise that I can be in love without being in a relationship, and being in a relationship does not necessarily mean I am in love.

When you are full of romantic notions, this can be a difficult distinction to make. It is only in hindsight that I have seen myself entering relationships for love of love rather than the person I was with. Occasionally there was a twinge, a brief feeling of apprehension, but between the giddy rush and the childhood baggage we carry, it was easy enough to ignore.

When I look back now, I see it.

It seems strange to me, so imbued as I am with critical reasoning, that I would fall into such a pattern. But my analytical self has always been at war with my romantic heart, and I suppose this is one more facet I will learn to embrace. Certainly the nature of love is nothing if not paradoxical.

I have fallen into love like a car crash; I have fallen into love like a bag of hammers. I have fallen into love like a baby bird, tentative and uncertain until gravity forgave my clumsy feathers and let me fly.

The hard part has been learning the difference.

I have often loved because it seemed like the right thing to do. Sometimes it was the first grind and fumble that dragged me to it. Sometimes it was the gaping need of her eyes. Fulfilment can be so addictive. I have attracted broken souls because I am adept at being the glue that holds the pieces together. But love isn’t peer pressure. At least, it shouldn’t be.

Sticky clutches; sticky pieces are not cornerstones of love. They can have their place in it, but to build on them is to trust in the sand of a tenuous shoreline.

Eventually you’ll drown.

Being a person who has fallen in love with love is also strange to me because I am not a person who is fond of people. I do not instinctively like them. I have great faith in humanity; I have great faith in the collective species, but little in the human animal. I truly believe that a decent, intelligent, beautiful individual is rare in this world. There is so much life in living that the average person can’t help but be bent and blunted, or sharpened and collapsed by its weight; its sheer enormity.

I do not like people, and yet I have fallen into many who I might never have called ‘friends’.

A part of me understands the statistical probability of this. In being who and what I am; in being just a small percentage of the population, with such a small percentage available to me, it is understandable that I would be more prone to grasping whatever woman I could find.

But then, statistically speaking, I have also been very lucky. I have loved women who were electricity; spun sugar; the sharp taste of morning on my heart. This is an exploration of love and the choices I’ve made but it is by no means a bleak window. My love was often blind, but there were times I hit the mark so precisely, the very Earth stood up and cheered.

No, this is about something else entirely. Because I don’t believe in regrets. I truly do not regret a single thing I’ve done in my life. The human experience is, to me, indescribable; every beautiful flaw, each cutting ache; the glorious victories and humiliating defeats - I would not change a minute of it. Every breath I have taken has shaped me and I am awed by the person I am.

No, this is about learning from experience; learning from every step along the way. This is about learning love.

Somewhere, I have learned a thing or two about love. Somewhere along the way, it has become for me an exploration of the unconditional. I don’t know how, I don’t know why - but I’ve learned to embrace it.

We talk a lot about unconditional love; as a species, we talk about it. And it’s funny because when we talk about it, it’s in one of two contexts: puppies and Hitler. Puppies and Hitler - those are our conduits. Our explanations for unconditional love.

What a cosmic joke.

Unconditional love is a place of extremes; it is the domain of the mindless animal and the naive human - six of one, half-a-dozen of the other. It is the dog that licks the hand that beats him bloody and raw; it is the proclamation of the passivist who believes every tyrant should be forgiven. Unconditional love is an idea deserving of distrust and derision.

Until it’s not.

I’m not the sort of person who chases balls and I would bite off the hand that beats me before I would lick it. Hitler wasn’t my kind of guy. But I’ve come to a point in my life where ‘unconditional’ warrants re-evaluation.

When we are young, unconditional love is the notion that exists without examination. It is the thing we blindly believe our parents will offer. It is the feeling we get when we’re tucked in at night, even though someone yelled at us through the day.

But as we grow, our notion of unconditional love changes.

I want to acknowledge that the human experience is wild and varied, and the loss of expectation of unconditional love can happen to us equally. But I will make the generalisation that the ‘queerer’ of us are more likely to experience an absence of unconditional love. Even if that expectation is unwarranted; even if we regain the feeling later – many of us reach a defining moment where we realise love may not be unconditional - even from family.

When you realise that; when you realise unconditional love is ethereal – it changes you. It breeds the cynicism that gives way to puppies and Hitler.

I believe the term ‘unconditional love’ needs reclamation. I believe linguistic forensics can reinstate it to its rightful place of acceptability.

See, the thing about unconditional love is that it isn’t unseeing. It isn’t blind. In fact, it requires brutally clear vision to exist. To love unconditionally, you need to see and acknowledge every facet and flaw of a person and you need to accept that person not in spite of those things, but because of them. You need to embrace the things about a person that make you crazy because that person makes you crazy - in the best of ways.

Unconditional love isn’t about blindness; it’s about the absence of strings.

Every string you attach to a person makes them a puppet.

For me, the predictability of the human animal is one of the more abhorrent things I encounter.

But I am not a passive person. There are elements of me that are controlling. I gain comfort from knowing what happens next; I find stability in uniformity.

But I also find boredom.

It has only been in understanding the architecture of my heart that I have learned how to build love.

I have romantic ideals. They are strong foundations. But you cannot live in foundations. You need to build a space on top. And it is that area of uncertainty that I yearn to construct.

The thing about unconditional love, for me, is that it isn’t dependent on the person I love. Unlike the follies of my past, love for me no longer relies on whether I have a ‘chance’ with a person. In fact, it has nothing at all to do with reciprocity. In that way, it is almost selfish. When I say that I love someone unconditionally, it is with purity - and absolutely without condition. It is without account for relative beliefs or feelings.

I have learned that I can love someone with a breadth and depth I thought unimaginable, simply using the space between us. Sometimes it is occupied by the landscape of friendship, or family, but even then I find I can love beyond those boundaries without self-recrimination.

Love is a gift, not charity. It is a thing given, not because someone is desperately in need but because the gifter finds joy in it - the joy of the recipient is a fantastic addition, but totally unnecessary.

Why has it taken me so long to acknowledge and embrace this?

Relationships where the only thing I was in love with, was love, were not romantic gestures. Being in love with love is purely conditional love.

And so I reach another plane in the sphere of human experience.

I have my fears - I won’t deny it. Like any other step, this might be another Brave New World in the driest sense of it. Unconditional love exists for me, but I am human enough to occasionally feel the selfish need for reciprocity. Without a string, every kite would float into an atmosphere harsh and unliveable and I do not want that. But I am somewhere intriguing, and fascinated by the warm yet awkward embrace of it.

And you? Do you have insights or experiences of love for the sharing?

Let me know.

An adventure through the space between my ears - Part I: Relatively Special

2010-06-08T03:22:00.000-07:00

Image: The Crab Nebula, the result of a supernova noted by Earth-bound chroniclers in 1054AD At its centre, a neutron star. NASA Image of the Day.

A note to begin:
I’ve been thinking about time, as a relative concept. I want to talk about that, but first you’ll need to know a little of Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity. Like all things I do, I’ll try to make this extremely pleasurable.

If you’ve never sat down to think about this – first of all, good for you. You’ve probably had a much more physically eventful life than I, and probably a life filled with fewer headaches and less confusion.

But this is about me.

Special Relativity can be... complicated. It is a ‘theory of measurement for an inertial frame of reference, which states that a relative inertial frame of reference will uniformly accommodate all laws of physics; and adds that the speed of light is constant and independent of the velocity of an observer in any inertial frame.’

And if you immediately understood that, you’re very smart. Good for you.

For the rest of us, it doesn’t actually have to be as difficult as that sounded. I don’t know why, but scientists and science enthusiasts seem to insist on using their own slang and discipline-specific terms to make it difficult for the rest of us to keep up. This makes them tossers.

Before we go any further, I should put a small disclaimer here: I have no formal qualifications in physics; I have no degrees in cosmology or any fancy letters after my name. I am simply a person who is passionate about this world; hungry to know how it works and why it works and how it came to be.

I am, you might say, ‘well read’. Cosmology for me is more than a hobby, but less than something I do to make a living. Of course, most professional cosmologists would probably say the same; it’s not necessarily a lucrative, jet-setting career.

While the science and history I will use are so-called ‘text book’, I will occasionally make intuitive leaps as to how someone – say, Einstein - would come up with a concept, or why. Remember, this is a trip through the space in my head.

Lastly: I think, to really understand this world, you need more than just mathematical formulae to say ‘because it’s true’. I think we have an obligation to deeply examine a discovery for ourselves in order to see its beauty; to understand why it is so important and what it really means. That’s what I’m doing here.

This is how my brain works. I am aware it can be a unique, often unconventional place, so hold on tight - it’ll be an awesome ride.

An adventure through the space between my ears:

Relatively Special

Our universe didn’t always look the way it does now. It was once very different; governed by different rules. This strange new cosmos we live in was re-imagined; our journey paved by mistakes and often futile beliefs - but, like so many things humans do, it was made possible through wild leaps of faith and a beautiful, unquenchable passion.

The journey began in the 1600s. Then, our knowledge of the universe was based on what is called a Euclidean model. In this model, our universe was made of simple geometry - three dimensions of space, length, width and depth, and in it, time was constant. Time could be measured uniformly at any point and it would be the same for all observers.

Space itself was filled with a substance called aether. Aether was the stuff of absolute stillness and universal time; it was the birthplace of light and the keeper of mystical forces. At home, on our tiny blue marble, we moved through the aether like a submarine at sea.

To understand how and why Einstein’s Special Relativity changed the world, we first need to look in on a fellow named Galileo.

The year is 1632. This is the year Galileo created the principle of relativity.

That’s right - relativity wasn’t a new concept when Einstein presented his theory. That bright spark had started nearly 300 years earlier. Galileo’s principle of relativity states: There is no ‘internal observation’ an observer can use to distinguish between a system that is moving in a straight line at constant speed and one that is at rest. Therefore, any two systems moving without acceleration are equivalent, and unaccelerated motion is relative.

If you’re already lost – that’s okay. So was I. And so were the luddites of the 16th Century. At the time, they were still struggling to believe the Earth spun on its axis, because surely we’d all fall down due to its spinny-roundedness. They were also arguing that if the Earth was speeding to the east and someone threw a ball straight up in the air, they would have to lean slightly west to catch it again, because Earth would move in the interim.

It’s sweet, really – this misguided simplicity of logic. You have to appreciate it, much as you appreciate puppies. But Galileo was left with the task of explaining ‘inertial frames of reference’ and ‘relative motion’ - to puppies. Understandably, his explanation makes more sense to me than any other - I embrace my clumsy, inquisitive puppy nature. Also, Galileo’s example has a ship and some butterflies and those things are pretty.

Here’s how he did it:
Imagine you’re in a ship at a dock. You are below deck and there are no windows. You have a ball, some butterflies and a bowl of fish. The fish are swimming in their bowl in all directions, the butterflies are flapping around aimlessly the way butterflies do and you are throwing your ball into the air and catching it.

It’s just you and your animal friends.

The ship starts moving.

At first you might sense you are moving because there is an initial feeling of acceleration, but soon your speed becomes constant and you feel nothing. This is called ‘uniform motion’ – travelling at a constant speed in a straight line, so that you can’t tell if you are moving or perfectly still.

Congratulations! You are in an inertial frame of reference. Here - have a treat.

This is what Galileo meant when he said there was no ‘internal observation’ someone could use to distinguish between a system in uniform motion and one at rest. When you are in uniform motion, there are no ‘fictitious forces’, such as acceleration, to tell you if you’re moving. And without a window, you have no way to judge your motion relative to the world.

As for your animal friends; the fish are still swimming in all directions in their bowl and the butterflies are still flapping aimlessly around the room as they please. The movement of the ship is having no affect on them, or on the ball you throw into the air because the laws of physics hold true in an inertial frame of reference.

Pretty cool, huh? (Admittedly, my cool threshold is lower than most.)

Now that you know what an inertial frame of reference is, we should talk about relativity. To prove inertial frames of reference were relative, Galileo used a series of equations called Galilean Transformations. Since I prefer puppies to math, I’m not going to put those here, but I will say the principle of relativity has a lot to do with velocity.

To understand, you’ll have to get back in your ship. I’m going to take a seat on the shore.

... So here we are; me with my legs dangled over a pier and you in your ship. The sun is warm and I am juggling, because it’s nice weather and secretly I am circus folk. Back in your ship, travelling in uniform motion, you are appreciating the butterflies.

Suddenly, a window appears in your bow and through it, you see the shore, moving west at 10km/h.

It’s possible you find this idea counterintuitive. Obviously you know the shore can’t move, but remember, you are in an inertial frame of reference, which is as good as standing still. If you are not moving, it must be my pier that is moving. If it’s easier, your ship cannot intuit the shore doesn’t move because it’s not as clever as you, so imagine that you are the ship - the important part here is relative velocities.

In a Galilean transformation, everything needs to be relative, including velocity. In this scenario, you are travelling east at 10km/h from my frame of reference; I am travelling west at 10km/h from yours. With Galilean transformations, these velocities are perfectly relatable.

This is when it is important to remember that the principle of relativity is about more than pretty butterflies and puppies not falling over. It has to do with the hows and whys of the universe. Relativity was a way for Galileo to reconcile physical laws on a cosmic scale. Your ship is analogous of Earth, and the pier I am sitting on is the absolute space of the aether.

Keeping that in mind, there’s one last thing you need to know about Galilean relativity, and this is the part that would later cause big problems for Einstein.

The wondrous world of velocity addition.

Let’s say I’m standing on the pier, and I shoot a canon over the water, and in that canon is your ship - and yes, I do realise that would be the most awesome weapon ever. Your ship is now flying through the air at 30km/h. From your ship, you shoot a canon and a projectile flies out at 30km/h.

(At this point, I know you’re wondering what your projectile is, and I’m going to leave it to your imagination. I’m pro-midgets, but would urge against the butterflies.)

In the world of Galilean relativity, your projectile is travelling at 60km/h, relative to me. That’s my speed (0km/h) plus your speed (30km/h) plus its speed (30km/h). This may not seem all that important right now, but when we get to special relativity and velocities approaching the speed of light, it will be.

For now, just enjoy the idea of shooting ships from canons, and the fact that you (hopefully) understand the principle of relativity. Doesn’t it make you feel tingly? Don’t you want to tell all your friends?

No? Just me then?

Fine.

It’s time for us to ride this crazy flying ship 250 years into the future. That’s where we’ll find what would become the beginning of the end for Galilean relativity.

See you in 1885...

Part II: The Aether Is Magic

Life On Twitter: 6 Months of Random Inanity III (April-May)

2010-05-27T22:07:00.000-07:00

And so we near the end of our journey. (Which we started here, and then we went here.)

Journey? Is that word appropriate? Maybe in the loosest sense. I sort of feel like I set out on a journey with a specific destination, and then two miles down the track I wondered off to pick flowers, and hug kittens, and then was viciously beaten to death by Nazi robots.

Maybe, 'Free-travellin'"?

You are welcome to suggest your own word.

Looking at the clock, I've been working at this for almost 16 hours now - mostly for the pretty - but despite all that fiddling, I'm still not sure what the hell I've been doing for the last 6 months. If you've figured it out, please let me know in the comments.

Winner will become the revered god of my new religion, Snarktastigasmism. Mostly, I'll make up the rules as I go along, but you can be sure it'll involve plenty of requisite nudity. And probably pie.

APRIL:

Hell is an idea first born on an undigested bottle of wine. (With apologies to Melville) 8:30 AM Apr 1st via web

Dear @Saintone20 @rosiekit @dantasticnz. I hate you all from the bottom of my cirrhotic liver. Love Zoe 2:59 PM Apr 1st via web

I miss plasma globes. 10:34 PM Apr 2nd via web

I hope everyone takes time today to remember the selfless gift given to all of us by our lord, Cadbury chocolate. #Easter 12:48 AM Apr 3rd via web

Coffee, cigarettes, cop shows, erotic stories, scifi, dictionary, jigsaw, knee-high boots, sandalwood soap, hot showers, blue jeans 7:14 PM Apr 3rd via web

I had a completely alcohol-free party evening. I am officially 912 years old. 6:51 PM Apr 4th via web

Rhymes with 'blinvisible'... 10:13 PM Apr 4th via web

Becoming more aware every day that severe emotional trauma makes me lol. Have warned mother I will laugh at funerals - including hers. 3:38 PM Apr 7th via web

I'm happier when my fave female TV characters are single. Apparently, my brain doesn't register I have no chance, because they're FICTIONAL. 4:25 PM Apr 8th via web

Never say die until you've actually fallen. 4:53 PM Apr 8th via web

I keep you at a distance because you're perfect from far away.5:48 PM Apr 8th via web

Watching Die Hard 4 at 5.30am. Why? Because... yeah, I got nothin'. 5:32 AM Apr 9th via web

Ever get a phone call canceling your job interview because the temp took the position? No? Suckers. You just haven't LIVED! 12:27 PM Apr 9th via web

My subconscious brain is a hydrogen based alien fish. 3:35 PM Apr 10th via web in reply to dantasticnz

6.30am; it's raining in that way that makes you wanna shag the city & then curl up in puddles & talk about your feelings. #melbourne 6:23 AM Apr 11th via web

Wish I had beer. Eyeing off a bottle of rubbing alcohol. This may end badly. 11:07 PM Apr 12th via web

Totes loving reports on death of the Polish PM: "Shame he died, but he probably brought it on himself. He was quite pushy." #powercrash 11:54 PM Apr 12th via web

Sounds like something's exploding in Coburg. Hope it's a zombie apocalypse #melbourne #theendisnigh 3:43 AM Apr 13th via web

Nothing with a velocity below C can ever go the speed of light, yet nothing travelling faster than light can ever be slowed below C 1:04 AM Apr 16th via web

Okay, so I know I dislocated my toe today, but my foot going blue? Seems a little melodramatic... Right? 4:04 AM Apr 18th via web

So much homotasticness today that when I collapsed on my couch, rainbows popped out. 11:03 PM Apr 18th via web

Watched Resident Evil; still think it's one of the best lesbian love stories around. 2:35 AM Apr 19th via web

Electrical storms, evening rain, make my body buckle; stand on end. 10:47 PM Apr 20th via web

A theoretical understanding of quarks is greatly improved by beer. Unfortunately, it makes the math go to shit. #sixpackscience #geek 2:17 AM Apr 21st via web

@NakedGirl_Blogs And a practical understanding of Quarks is greatly improved by a copy of The Ferengi Rules of Acquisition ;) #geek 2:21 AM Apr 21st via Echofon @Revolos55 in reply to NakedGirl_Blogs

@Revolos55 And for that response, you get eleventy bajillion awesome points, my first-born child and all the latinum in the universe. 2:29 AM Apr 21st via web @NakedGirl_Blogs in reply to @Revolos55

The Day the Earth Stood Still eco message #168: To save the Earth, most of you will have to die. We believe this cost is reasonable. 11:39 PM Apr 23rd via web

TDTESS eco message #84: A higher power is coming with locust plagues to annihilate us all. But not in a religious way. Please recycle. 11:47 PM Apr 23rd via web

The Day The Earth Stood Still eco msg #367: Science good; military bad. We think. Actually, we haven't researched this point at all. #WTFery 11:51 PM Apr 23rd via web

Locust plagues are simply nature's way of telling you to eat more protein. Trust me on this one. #nottherapture 11:56 PM Apr 23rd via web

I don't think you're meant to cook vegans. I think they're more of a raw fusion dish. #eatvegans 12:49 AM Apr 24th via web in reply to dantasticnz

Spent 4 hours in the emergency room and created a whole flock of latex-glove turkeys. Dubbed it the Douche Pack. Night. Of. Win. 6:10 AM Apr 30th via web

MAY:

Thinking of joining the Navy. Because I look good in blue and I always liked that Village People song. 12:14 AM May 2nd via web

I've never taken acid. Watching Apocalypse Now (Redux) means I'll never have to. Martin Sheen's bloodied chest hairs will haunt me forever. 2:30 AM May 2nd via web

I am in love with Sam Carter. Yes, I'm aware she is fictional, but that suits me. #imaginationship #SG1 6:30 PM May 3rd via web

I must be clear: I'm in love with Carter- Not Amanda Tapping. That'd just be weird. #imaginationship 7:08 PM May 3rd via web

…Plus there was that time I saved the galaxy. Long story. Involves a secret biochemical compound and a coathanger. #hero 7:50 PM May 3rd via TweetDeck

You know, if you die, a housecat will start eating you before you are cold. That's my kind of sidekick. 8:02 PM May 3rd via TweetDeck

I don't know - if the government gave me a billion dollars, I probably wouldn't work either. #myki #melbourne 3:31 PM May 4th via web

It was when my mother told me she loved Indigo Girls that I really knew all the cool had gone out of lesbianism. 3:33 PM May 4th via web

Swallowing Panadol with hot coffee makes me feel hard core. But it's really not, is it? #delusionalhappyplace #geekinator 3:40 PM May 4th via web

Our love affair with KRudd is over? But gee, the sex was so good. #7pmProjectWTFery 9:29 PM May 4th via web

Jane Lynch's Vogue was the fulfillment of a lesbian dream I've had since youth. #Glee #dykerotic 9:11 PM May 6th via web

I could happily spend a lifetime pondering black holes. Oh astrophysics, how you make me warm and fuzzy, like kittens. #geektastic 8:02 AM May 7th via web

I think the blue of #solvatedelectrons has more to do with smurfs than our current level of science can explain. #atomicsmurf 5:58 PM May 7th via web

Saved several dragonflies today, yet kitchen resembles an entomological graveyard. Stinkin' cat thinks she's Godzilla with a backyard helipad 6:15 PM May 7th via web

Tell your mum the nipple slip was an homage to her nurturing role in your upbringing. 6:27 PM May 7th via web in reply to mariekehardy

We are clumsy, messy creatures flailing wildly through the unknown, hoping desperately to crash into each other. #Hilariousfutility 10:40 PM May 7th via web

Betty White is just my favourite person ever. If I am half as awesome at her age, that's 16 times as cool as I am now. #BettyWhiteForGod 11:42 PM May 7th via web

The worst part of forgetting something is remembering you knew it once. 12:37 AM May 8th via web

I've been to enough bars to know most 'modern' humans are still shagging neanderthals. 12:41 AM May 8th via web in reply to PalaceParker

Flying reindeer have a gamey aftertaste. 12:45 AM May 8th via web

Took a sleeping tablet with a mug of coffee, just to see who'd win. 1:58 AM May 8th via web

I slightly love you, but not in a gay way. #totesinagayway 2:02 AM May 8th via web

Wow, the warning on this label should've read: May Cause Awesomeness. And dilated pupils. Everything is so shiny. #prescriptionmedicationwin 2:09 AM May 8th via web

My mother called halfway through Nigella’s Just Desserts and I had to tell her I'd call her back. Holy food porn, Batman! 7:30 PM May 8th via web

Reconciling Jennifer Garner and a 13yo girl is just confusing for my vagina. I feel dirty. #Suddenlypaedophilia 8:26 PM May 8th via web

Oyster, papaya and mango? It's like a tropical island sneezed. Awesome #ironchef 8:50 PM May 8th via web

You're driving to a hike? Why not just drive the extra 7.5 miles and go straight to the having coffee? 5:55 AM May 9th via web

The beauty of forgetting Mother's Day for years, is lowered expectations. A single txt just crowned me daughter of the year. Suckers. 10:10 PM May 9th via web

I'd thought the drunken one-night stand between BSG and the Stargate franchise birthed a bastard. Now, I see #SGU for the lovechild it is. 3:07 AM May 10th via web

Of course kids are looking for child porn. Looking for adult porn would just be age-inappropriate and creepy #qanda 9:40 PM May 10th via web

Lost some followers with that crack about coprophilia. My work here is done. #nocleanfeed #openinternet 1:10 AM May 11th via web

Our beautifully flawed world, with its awesomely fragile, destructive denizens. #inherentlyhuman 1:56 AM May 11th via web

If anyone can beat a man to death with a rainbow, it's Kristen Chenowith. And I'm pretty sure she has wings and lives under a mushroom. 6:14 PM May 11th via web

Combining nerdy historical excitement with hot tattooed chicks. Oh Time Team, how I [heart] you. 6:22 PM May 11th via web

Gee #Melbourne, why so cold? I made you dinner, treated you well... 11:35 PM May 11th via web

I'm the kind of girl who tears up at @NASA's image of the day, because our universe is so astoundingly beautiful. #stunnedandawed #geek 1:25 AM May 12th via web

Sam Carter punches Ba'al. While part of me cheers girl power, the rest totally objectifies her hotness. This is why I'm not a feminist. #SG1 3:44 PM May 12th via web

I'm equally proficient at objectifying & being objectified. My feminist sensibilities are overridden by the fact I'm a whore. 4:51 PM May 12th via web

So lazy I didn't even bother cooking the mi goreng, just poured in the powder flavour packet and ate the noodles raw. How am I still single? 5:48 PM May 12th via web

Gah! Channel 9 has a skeleton presenting the weather. #ohthehorror #giveherasammich 6:29 PM May 12th via web

Flicked to 7 and couldn't figure out who this 'Beaver' guy was they were raving about. Turns out, it was 'Bieber'... Still have no idea. 7:01 PM May 12th via web

Thanks @CatherineDeveny- I can no longer watch Bindi's 'Green' ad without shuddering. I mean, I always did, but now there's added pedophilia 10:58 PM May 12th via web

Be careful mixing cooking and nudity. It can go terribly wrong. Not that I speak from experience or anything... 12:28 AM May 13th via web

Oh TV Tropes, the ultimate drug-free cause of missing time - how I heart your humorous collection of depravity. #hivemind 3:52 PM May 16th via web

That whole "cleanliness is godliness" thing was totally misconstrued. 4:55 PM May 16th via web

PS: Have I ever mentioned my ridiculously massive crush on Lisa Wilkinson? No? #thatsbecauseitsodd #homegrownimagionationship 6:07 PM May 16th via web

I'll always be sad the sexual tension between Paul and Mikey never went further than that #unconsumatedloveaffair #GNW 7:27 PM May 16th via web

Okay, I'm thinking the Athlete's Foot slogan, "I've never met a foot I couldn't fit", was perhaps not entirely thought through. 11:20 PM May 16th via web

o hai, #LOTS - Congrats on S2. Just wanted to ask - lesbians are only created by bad, evil black magic? Is that wot ur saying? 5:56 PM May 17th via web

Thought my TV was muted until I changed the channel and almost frakkin' died. Turns out, that was a show by/for deaf people. 7:02 PM May 17th via web

Twitter: Keeping me in touch with my imaginary friends since 2009. 7:07 PM May 17th via web

On another @7pmproject note, I always enjoy an attractive woman wearing a flak jacket with "Press" written across her cleavage. 7:09 PM May 17th via web

When in a group of RL friends, and you find you all talk with hashtags, you really become aware of this Brave New World 11:04 PM May 17th via web

Broke the 200 followers mark tonight. Who knew that being duly obnoxious and geeky could serve me so well? #imaginaryfriends #nuditysells 12:14 AM May 18th via web

Just ate a bowl of two-minute Singapore noodles. It seems to be going horribly wrong... #tooyoungtodie 12:38 AM May 19th via web

I have many weaknesses. Boobs are definitely among them. And let's hope they're always among everything else. Ever. 12:50 AM May 19th via web

I want a sharktopus. Like really, really, want one. #sanctuary @damiankindler 1:58 AM May 19th via web

My only wish in life is to make yours hilariously uncomfortable. 6:04 AM May 19th via web

Dear @abc_investigates How do you solve a problem like Maria? Also appreciate any info on keeping a moonbeam in your hand. #askABC 4:11 PM May 19th via web

The gays? Is anyone still talking about them? So 2008. 8:04 AM May 20th via web

Dear people unfollow/following me several times a day: Yes, this tactic makes me notice you. But it makes me want to kick you in the face. 8:18 AM May 20th via web

There were gays in Brokeback Mountain? Wow. Did that film go anywhere? 8:24 AM May 20th via web

Give Akermanis a break. As he said, being nude with guys is a *big* part of his daily life. If they were gay, that'd just be weird. 8:38 AM May 20th via web

#Glee. Plus JOSS WHEDON. Sweet baby jesus, it's a convergence of awesome. Predict rainbows exploding into boobs at any moment. #geekgasm 9:13 AM May 20th via web

Oh god, somebody help me. They're doing the Safety Dance. THE SAFETY DANCE. I'm hyperventilating. #geeksplosion #glee 9:32 AM May 20th via web

Dear Pearson; Thanks for letting me know I made the shortlist and narrowly missed the Editor role. Next time, could we just try "You win!" 9:50 AM May 20th via web

I... hmm. I'm having one of those "I do not think that word means what you think it means" moments. 11:11 AM May 20th via web

I think the real question is when *don't* you need a chainsaw. Because that's not a life I'd want to live. 11:15 AM May 20th via web

Fanfic gives an extra dimension of creativity and imagination to an otherwise mindless activity. #artinTV 11:29 AM May 20th via web

As a surly, snarky, obnoxious, socially impatient/disinterested, general dick of a person, #House always gives me hope #cynicallyoptimistic 11:35 AM May 20th via web

When people stop tweeting about local corpses, it's probably a good sign housing values are about to plummet. #timetomove 12:41 PM May 20th via web

Shhhhh. Secret identity Zoe is secret #isaninja 7:13 AM May 21st via web

Saw "Neutron Star Collision" trending & was blown away. Turns out it's less unbelievable cosmic event, more a song by Muse. #tearsofageek 8:18 AM May 21st via web

I think me being a lesbian makes me more awesome than anyone at everything. 10:47 AM May 21st via web

I found a song about Pi. Now, I'm not saying it's the greatest song, but it's about Pi. PI. http://tinyurl.com/PiSong #geektastic 11:06 AM May 21st via web

Can't wait for my next trip to the airport. I definitely look like the kind of person who would carry porn. #randomsearch 12:53 PM May 21st via web

Captain Ahab and the elusive sea turtle #lesserbooks 7:25 PM May 21st via web

Stuff Jesus Said Back In The Day #lesserbooks 9:25 PM May 21st via web

An Extremely Detailed History of Only the Subjects I'm Interested In #lesserbooks 9:52 PM May 21st via web

The Wife of The Man Who Respected The Laws Of Physics And Lived His Life In The Correct Bloody Order #lesserbooks 9:58 PM May 21st via web

Okay, I have a date with Grey's Anatomy. If you hear screaming and/or crying, it's not... Yeah, it's totally me. #Greysfinale 10:22 PM May 21st via web

I AM THE QUEEN OF TOURETTE'S. DO NOT TALK TO ME RIGHT NOW #frakkingshonda 11:22 PM May 21st via web

Dear healthy living people/bots- I eat meat. I smoke like nicotine is my lover. None of my tattoos will ever be dolphins. #Letmedieinpeace 1:41 AM May 22nd via web

I heart the beautiful incongruity of philanthropic capitalism #tedxsydney 3:00 PM May 22nd via web

Twitter is a global conversation and I'm glad to be a part of it. 4:50 PM May 22nd via web

Cancer missiles made of nanodiamonds. There is nothing more awesome than that - not even the sharktopus #tedxsydney 5:08 PM May 22nd via web

Mmm cider. All the goodness of apples with the added bonus of much hearty grog. 10:17 PM May 22nd via web

Trying to figure out the portmanteau: would Ba'al in Adria be Adriba'al, or Ba'aldria? #pressingquestions #SG1 10:37 PM May 22nd via web

Jeez, tell a girl you have a stockpile of porn and suddenly she gets all shady on you 12:04 AM May 23rd via web

Why come to my door to solicit me? Why not just do it through Twitter like a normal person? #getoutofmySunday 2:05 PM May 23rd via web

Run. Run while you still have a gaydar. Hetros totally ruin calibration. #electromagneticstraightism 3:51 PM May 23rd via web in reply to royaroo

I love the ocean & women in uniform. So I have an interview with the Navy next week. Here's hoping they don't mention patriotism or war. 3:59 PM May 23rd via web

Entropy has nothing to do with the messiness of my room, but everything to do with how it became that way #iamscience 7:21 PM May 23rd via web

When it's warm, cat hugs remind me I am loved. When it's cold, cat hugs remind me I am tolerated for my functionality. #crazycatlady 10:57 PM May 23rd via web

♬ I wanna know, have you ever seen the rain? ♫ #dancinginmyundies 11:03 PM May 23rd via web

There is a distinct difference between grand irony and dramatic irony. 11:48 PM May 23rd via web

@royaroo @NakedGirl_Blogs True. Grand irony is when you steal over $10,000 worth of laundry. Dramatic irony is what the costume lady does each day. 11:57 PM May 23rd via TweetDeck in reply to NakedGirl_Blogs

Oh yeah, total sympathy for your hangover. No really, this is not my smug face. 12:21 AM May 24th via web

The angry gif is the steam valve of the Internetian. 6:13 PM May 24th via web in reply to find_day

Heheh boobs. *immature high-five* 8:35 PM May 24th via web

Gillard really introduces the Altona accent to the world #melbourne #Lateline 10:51 PM May 24th via web

The unbelievability of the past proves to us the impossibility of the future. 9:06 PM May 25th via web

Trees understand quantum physics. This means trees are smarter than 97% of people. #bodeswellforhumanity #geektastic #quantumfact 5:19 PM May 26th via web

To those of you who didn't get my 'trees and Quantum physics' quip, this will blow your mind: http://trees-use-quantum-mechanics #geektastic 5:45 PM May 26th via web

My god- Mind totally blown. Just heard the Infinity Hotel paradox & its solution for the first time. I... don't even have words #geektastic 6:06 PM May 26th via web

The eviction is upon us again! The joys of freelance living. If anyone needs a house, or has a job for the most awesome girl ever - I'm here 27 May 2010 via web

The more energy used to travel (near C) through the space, the less you have to travel through time. Thus, time slows down #timedilation 27 May 2010 via web

And really, I think that says it all, right?

THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE.
(You can follow me on Twitter, at your peril, here.)

Life On Twitter: 6 Months of Random Inanity II (February-March)

2010-05-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

And we're back. In case you missed the first part of this little foray into WTFery, it all began here: WTFery.

Basically, in trying to figure out what I've been doing for the last six months, I've trawled through my 2350-odd tweets for any hints I could find. I've chosen some high-and-low lights for your possible amusement, and while I still don't have a frakking clue what I've been doing, I've realised I sure do have plenty to say about it.

FEBRUARY:

The other night, I lit candles to eat my microwave dinner for one. Not as special as I'd hoped. 2:24 AM Feb 1st via web

Watched Daria & lamented the loss of my dryly cynical, misspent youth. May listen to Nirvana and wear a cardigan for rest of the day. 3:53 PM Feb 1st via web

Smoking half-cigarettes, lining them up on the bottom step of a ladder. Getting strange satisfaction from this. I am not like other people. 12:58 AM Feb 4th via TweetDeck

I will always stand behind a woman's right to chose intravenous caffeine. 10:29 AM Feb 4th via TweetDeck

My impure thoughts have gone beyond inanimate objects, and devolved into lusting after strapping Latvian gymnasts... 10:32 AM Feb 4th via TweetDeck

If I were any gayer, I'd sweat glitter and rainbows and Home Depots would sprout from my footprints 2:37 PM Feb 4th via web

Spent 35mins ranting at Mum about how the Xena finale was a clusterfuck and it BETRAYED US ALL. I need to get out more 2:26 AM Feb 6th via web

No homo... Oh really, who am I kidding? Totes homo. 3:36 PM Feb 4th via web

I'm awfully fond of the word 'flaccid'. It strikes no fear in me. The small joys of being a lesbian. 3:57 AM Feb 6th via TweetDeck

My superpower requires that you take off your pants. 1:28 PM Feb 7th via web

In sports bra and shorts; hot and sweaty, getting dirty cleaning the house. This weather is totally wasted on being single. 3:03 PM Feb 8th via TweetDeck

Tony Abbott needs an iron to the balls. 9:00 PM Feb 8th via web in reply to dantasticnz

The only problem in this world, is that somebody's going to care forever, and somebody else won't. 11:40 PM Feb 8th via TweetDeck

I can change a tyre and an oil filter; I can cook, clean & fold a fitted sheet. I'm a right fucking lady. 1:17 AM Feb 9th via web

Misogyny? In a game where guys run into each other with their faces for fun? No, I just won't believe it. My world is upside down. #football 1:32 AM Feb 9th via web

Masquerading as someone who knows what the hell she's doing. And I have snacks. 8:54 AM Feb 9th via web

Spent my night perving at jailbait lesbians. If I had morals, I'd probably feel bad about that. Thanks, nihilistic society. Thanks, Skins. 10:18 AM Feb 9th via web

I don't care how you do it - The love you make is beautiful. 12:13 PM Feb 9th via web

Woke up startled, dropped my mobile phone into a cup of tea. Looking forward to a morning of regrets and some light blubbering. 1:23 AM Feb 10th via web

I don't do technology that is both smarter than me and fits in my pocket. I have Skynet fear and poor gun skills. 3:16 AM Feb 10th via web

Soylent Green is made of something nutritional, but unsavoury. 12:32 AM Feb 11th via web

Position & intensity of this electrical storm suggests he IS a vengeful god. Still don't regret a moment of lesbian sex. 4:00 PM Feb 11th via web

Flash-flooding in Coburg. Sending the cats outside to swim on the front lawn. Pool party at my place? 4:09 PM Feb 11th via web

When Oz starts talking favourably about China's censorship laws, we have a problem. #nocleanfeed 5:30 PM Feb 11th via web

2 mental pictures I could've lived without: John Mayer's penis saying Hiel Hitler & ever having sex with Jessica Simpson 6:54 PM Feb 11th via web

Finally escaped Hungoverville. Spent most of the day transfusing the gin from my blood and begging the floor to stop jumping. 11:40 PM Feb 13th via web

Was going to spend Valentine's Day muttering to myself and growling at small children; spent it with Doris Day instead. 9:33 PM Feb 14th via web

Spent evening with Schrodinger's cat. One part of him smelt better than the other. Not sure which because I didn't open the box 2:20 AM Feb 19th via web

MWI Conservation: Where I hang out on my couch in this multiverse so I can get down and dirty in another. 8:17 PM Feb 19th via web

If I was anymore geektastic, I would actually BE string theory. 5:01 AM Feb 23rd via web

UC Berkley lecture series on Physics For Future Presidents. CANNOT STOP WATCHING. http://tinyurl.com/y8sy7kk 11:08 AM Feb 23rd via web

Watching sci-fi and loudly snarking at its inaccuracies is my idea of a fantastic evening. I make my own fun. 5:47 PM Feb 24th via web

I have awesome breasts. I mean, AWESOME. There should be monuments in the honour of these things. Gold. 6:59 PM Feb 24th via web

1am trips to the service station for possibly botulism-based food items really make me appreciate the glory of my life. 1:20 AM Feb 25th via web

If you're not yet in love with Rachel #Maddow, you soon will be. The word Bullpuckey now officially turns me on. http://tinyurl.com/y8uozsx 12:29 AM Feb 28th via web

MARCH:

The thing I love most about sci-fi and fantasy is the predominance of women in leather. #lesbiangeekasm 4:59 AM Mar 1st via web

There's a difference between RL and the interwebz? Does this mean I have to stop gluing captions to my cats? 6:57 AM Mar 1st via web

The cure for homosexuality is the love of a good woman. But only if you're a lesbian. Otherwise that shit will fuck you up 12:45 PM Mar 2nd via web

Sappho is sleeping with her face in my palm. The innocent trust of kitties just floors me. #crazycatlady 2:24 PM Mar 2nd via web

Wow- actually teared-up when I saw this. The wonder of our universe never fails to move me http://bit.ly/9XNFvv via @NASA 1:44 AM Mar 3rd via web

I've been hiding for 2 months now. It's even harder once you're out of the world to go back in. 4:29 AM Mar 3rd via web

Ever walk out of the house, catch a glimpse of yourself and think "Holy Sappho I look like a lesbian." #dyketastic 5:52 PM Mar 5th via web

You know what I really enjoy? Boobs. Boobs are great, amirite? 12:07 AM Mar 6th via web

Thinking about ditching media career and moving into construction. Mostly coz I like shiny vests and look good in hats. 3:39 AM Mar 7th via web

Murderous computer cord destroyed. New cord overnight-couriered and successfully installed. Naked homebase back on the grid. #Skynetupdate 12:40 PM Mar 9th via web

It has always been my belief that geeky is synonymous with hot 12:54 PM Mar 9th via web

I’m covered in brake dust, mud and engine oil. Exactly as it should be #manaforlesbians 5:32 PM Mar 9th via web

I am the antithesis of the Pavlovian response. 9:27 PM Mar 9th via web

Hit 100 followers. Thanks, random sexbots, twitterspammers and porn specialists - I appreciate every soulless one of you #imaginaryfriends 12:43 AM Mar 10th via web

Universal constant #431: You can NEVER have too much Samantha Carter. #justplainphysics #SG1 @amandatapping 2:35 AM Mar 10th via web

My month-long #SG1 marathon has finally merged into Atlantis. CANNOT STOP WATCHING. SEND HELP #swallowedbyStargate 2:44 AM Mar 10th via web

Leaving things til the last minute makes me a better person in smaller increments. #procrastinationiskey 3:27 PM Mar 10th via web

Centrelink: The place dreams go to die. I smiled at the worker on desk and she almost cried. #indenturedpublicservants 5:15 PM Mar 10th via web

Is it too late to change species? #optoutofhumanity 11:54 PM Mar 13th via web

Just showered; now sitting on the couch in a towel, Googling myself. This is called #geeksterbation 12:12 AM Mar 14th via web

Looking for a butter knife big enough to create an event horizon. 12:40 AM Mar 14th via web

I looked for sense in Lady Gaga's Telephone and now my soul is screaming. #makeitstop 1:00 AM Mar 14th via web

Joys of Living Alone #23: Never having to change out of this towel. #nohousematesFTW 1:22 AM Mar 14th via web

House inspection tomorrow. Considering wiping food on walls just to fuck with estate agent #selfdestructivebehaviourlulz 9:23 PM Mar 14th via web

I'd just like to say that I really enjoy a big bang. #BBC science shows FTW 1:32 AM Mar 15th via web

The ups and downs of plethysmography. 3:00 PM Mar 15th via web

Spent an hour classifying galaxies at http://www.galaxyzoo.org Actively shaping our universe is AWESOME. 5:00 PM Mar 15th via web

It actually saddens me that Oz cannot have a Pi Day. Seriously. Because I am that #geektastic 5:26 PM Mar 15th via web

Abbott: I would like to realise everyone's vision. If it's straight, white, rich & christian. Otherwise, we can just be friends #4corners 9:18 PM Mar 15th via web

NEWSFLASH: #qanda and Waleed trend worldwide. Australia takes over twitterverse. Everyone wins a koala. #politicalawesomesauce 10:52 PM Mar 15th via web

Misheard the Bushell's ad. Thought she said "vagina". Turns out it was "finest china". Sadly disappointed. #TfortheV 11:09 PM Mar 15th via web

I stand by everything I say. Except that. 12:17 AM Mar 16th via web

I have a weakness for women in leather jackets and frankly, I blame it all on Grease. Damn you, Danny; and every lesbian with your haircut. 3:15 AM Mar 16th via web

Love letter to Helen Magnus required invention of words hot-osity & leathergasm. Best not sent to @amandatapping #sanctuary 3:32 AM Mar 16th via web

THIS is the reason autotune was invented: So Carl Sagan could sing about galaxies. http://tinyurl.com/ycw5xvf #geekgasm #geekpop 11:12 PM Mar 16th via web

Today's colours are Doppler-shifted. #geek 3:05 PM Mar 17th via web

Beer and cat food: Staple ingredients of an alternative lifestyle. #alsolesbian 5:44 PM Mar 17th via web

#phdinhumourmanipulation #phdinwitticism #theresadoctorinyourvagina 7:41 PM Mar 17th via web

Boobs and space travel. Join me in A Softer World 2:19 PM Mar 18th via web

"Don't complain at me - I don't care. I don't like you. I don't even like cats." Stuff I say when Venus drives me nuts. #crazycatlady 12:05 AM Mar 19th via web

I hereby will only refer to easter as "Purportedly Magic Jew Day'. So mote it be. 2:19 AM Mar 19th via web

My most fulfilling relationships have been with fictional characters. 12:05 PM Mar 19th via web

The real reason for ALL scientific innovation: HijinksEnsue and the PornholoDeck via @hijinksensue 11:01 PM Mar 19th via web

Found religion. Have hidden it somewhere between here and Cape Yorke. Your first clue is: What Would Jesus Do? Treasure hunters - GO! 9:52 PM Mar 20th via web

Q: How long is a piece of string? A: “Kaboom." #AllanDavis #BBC #geektastic 9:33 PM Mar 21st via web

Vajazzling looks like a fairy sneezed into your crotch. #fashionFAIL 10:05 PM Mar 21st via web

I am the caped crusader of unrequited heartsplosions. 12:53 AM Mar 22nd via web

To Do: 1: Buy Cape. 2: Think up awesome super name. 3: Trademark "heartsplosions". 4: Profit! 12:55 AM Mar 22nd via web

Working on my indoor tan. 2:04 PM Mar 22nd via web

Applying for jobs... now. Wait. Maybe I'll have coffee first. And a biscuit. And take a walk. *sigh* 2:37 PM Mar 22nd via web

Talked to my soul sister, now off to share sciencegasms with @dantasticNZ. Today is an awesome whore. 6:25 PM Mar 22nd via web

Just talked to my Dad. For the first time in 13 years. Um... 6:32 PM Mar 23rd via web

It was ultra-normal, like when the dead rise and you're pretending you can't see the zombies. 7:00 PM Mar 23rd via web

Insert something profound here. 10:50 PM Mar 25th via web

I have sugar in coffee but use sugar for other things. So coffee in the sugar = bad. It's taken 26yrs to think "scoop the sugar first." 2:11 AM Mar 29th via web

Peentazzling. Male equivalent of vajazzling. 9:41 AM Mar 29th via web

"There is real poetry in the real world. Science is the poetry of reality." -- Richard Dawkins 1:00 PM Mar 29th via web

If only I weren't amoral. If only I cared that I am. 1:30 PM Mar 29th via web

Meredith/Yang makes me feel like my best friend is here, though she's halfway across the world. It's the greatest love affair #GreysAnatomy 12:21 PM Mar 31st via web

Throbbing ovaries. Not just an awesome punkrock band name. 5:15 PM Mar 31st via web

NEXT: APRIL-MAY

Life On Twitter: 6 Months of Random Inanity I (December-January)

2010-05-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

So I couldn't figure out what I've been doing for the last six months. The time seems to have sort of... slipped behind the couch or something.

Then it occurred to me that I actually had a resource to help me find out what I've been doing day to day - something I haven't had since I was 8 and diligently kept a diary of every trudging, mind-numbing thing I did because it all seemed so AWESOME at the time.

I took me about 7 hours to get through all 2,350 of my Tweets, and I've distilled some of the more interesting/informative/funny ones for posterity, and hopefully enjoyment.

And hey, if anyone can figure out what the hell I've actually been doing, could you let me know?

DECEMBER:

Jeebus help us all - I'm Twittering. 140 characters of mindlessness, here I come. 8:59 PM Dec 19th, 2009 via web

Watching Bitch Slap; realising just how comfortable I am with boob-sploitation. Thank god I have a vagina or I'd be a total pervert 12:54 PM Dec 20th, 2009 via web

Like queers, there are no carbon-copy Christians. Unlike queers, Christians generally have shit hair. 1:26 PM Dec 20th, 2009 via web

Time spent on Twitter = directly proportionate to how late I am to meet people. Damned teknologees. 2:02 PM Dec 20th, 2009 via web

Got halfway through polishing wooden floors when cats started sliding around & falling over. Started laughing; Can't stop. Please send help. 1:57 AM Dec 21st, 2009 via web

Have you ever thought: "I could be really hot in prison"? No? Just me then? 12:30 PM Dec 21st, 2009 via web

Society proud of Asher Roth's gay lifestyle, less pleased about his status as white rapper. 3:18 PM Dec 21st, 2009 via web

Still have not left for coast, but have perused many funny pictures of cats. Score 1 for humorous procrastination. 4:10 PM Dec 21st, 2009 via web

Random acts of indecent exposure. 7:18 AM Dec 22nd, 2009 via web

Wagga Wagga: Less "big name, small town", more "big name, small-man complex". If this town had a penis it'd be inverted. 11:04 PM Dec 22nd, 2009 via web

Despite the Dickensian efforts of the grandparents, I am back on the grid. Please address all fan mail to my vagina. 6:17 PM Dec 29th, 2009 via web

You can never have too much mastication. Never. 6:58 PM Dec 29th, 2009 via web

Dear #lesbian nation: When I say I want to reach out to you, I mean with my vagina. Love, Naked Girl. 7:23 PM Dec 29th, 2009 via web

Avatar: Smurfs for adults. If I was watching smurfs for adults, I'd want them to be doing porn. 1:47 PM Dec 31st, 2009 via web

Predictions for 2010: 1. Sun rises in west, sets in east 2. World tilts on axis, people fall into Mercury 3. Sarah Palin becomes a #lesbian. 7:39 PM Dec 31st, 2009 via web

JANUARY:

2010 feels firm, yet supple, and quite boobilicious. 1:30 AM Jan 1st via web

Kicked off 2010 by wandering the house in my jammies and resolving not to shower today. All-in-all, a successful year so far. 7:30 PM Jan 1st via web

Welcome, Americans, to the future. Guess what - we have flying cars now. How cool is 2010? #HappyNewYear #lesbian 8:16 PM Jan 1st via web

Woke up still wearing my socks and with the distinct impression I had been wandering during the night. Warrant evasion skills ACTIVATE 12:19 PM Jan 2nd via web

All of my lesbians are barn-laid and totally free-rage. It keeps the meat from going stringy. #lesbian 5:59 PM Jan 2nd via web

Cricket is NOT a sport. In sport, there are no Takesie-Backsies. 4:38 AM Jan 3rd via web

Cunnilingfast: The frenzied sex you have after an extend period of #lesbian drought. 7:58 AM Jan 3rd via web

The Age explaining lolspeak: Strangely akin to the horror of your Grandfather learning definition of Camel Toe. Then using it in a sentence 12:09 PM Jan 3rd via web

Bug just died in my tea. Figure that makes it more realistically organic; will drink it anyway. 12:36 AM Jan 4th via web

Back home, sitting in a circle of friends drinking beer. Oh Melbourne Town, if I could hug you with my vagina, I would. 8:26 PM Jan 8th via web

Life without internet = me rocking helplessly in darkness of house, dishevelled and hungry. Ate a dishcloth. Send help. 2:31 PM Jan 12th via web

1:30am; at Maccas for wifi. Hi, rock bottom - I've come to join you. 1:37 AM Jan 14th via web

Viewing naked pictures of myself. Thanks Mum. (Wow. That was the most uncomfortable sentence ever.) 6:08 PM Jan 14th via web

My schedule is open like a wanton whore. 10:24 PM Jan 15th via web

Trying to reconcile brain &; vagina - Ang Jolie as Kay Scarpetta? Do I throw things or masturbate? I'll try both. #lesbian 11:35 PM Jan 15th via web

I find the idea to "go lesbian" (adj) foul. I prefer it as a "place". Go “to” lesbian. Like Toronto, but w/ more cunnilingus. 1:18 PM Jan 16th via web

Can gays raise healthy kids? Of course. We're gays. We will only eat the finest organic produce. 5:28 PM Jan 16th via web

Was I implying we gays eat children? Why yes, yes I was. But only for their youth-enhancing properties. 5:38 PM Jan 16th via web

Even when the wit falls flat, my boobs are always perky. 7:19 PM Jan 16th via web

Have eaten everything in my house but a can of passionfruit pulp and some casserole bases. Looking for a spoon now. 2:25 AM Jan 20th via web

There's something so liberating about hanging out all day in your undies. 1:52 AM Jan 22nd via web

Had HUGE problems posting housemate ad on #gumtree . Finally realised it wouldn't let me use the word Nazi. Spoilsports. 5:42 PM Jan 25th via web

They say kibble is bad for humans, but it does keep my kitties sleek and shiny - might be worth a try. 5:47 PM Jan 25th via TweetDeck

It's bright, shiny and warm and seems to be coming from the sky. I don't trust it. Seems dodgy. 5:47 PM Jan 25th via TweetDeck

Tried the candy. Damned kid still wouldn't get in my car. 6:37 PM Jan 25th via TweetDeck

Love hurts. This has been a Public Service Announcement. 12:51 AM Jan 27th via TweetDeck

Don't Ask, Don't Tell me about fucking equality until you make it goddamn happen. 5:29 AM Jan 27th via web

Yelling and random pointing is how I like to get my news. 8:39 PM Jan 28th via web

Her leg pushed between Sam’s thighs and she arched into it uncontrollably, a sharp buck that made them both shudder... 5:58 PM Jan 29th via web

Time cannot be stopped. Every moment is perishable. 6:11 PM Jan 29th via web

Decided to give in and go official with my long-term relationships. With episodic TV characters. 6:48 PM Jan 29th via web

1: Buy gin. 2: Drink gin. 3: ??? 4: Profit! 1:01 AM Jan 30th via web

I do my early rising from the other direction. I find it's easier to be a morning person when you haven't slept yet. 5:10 AM Jan 30th via web

I HEART Captain Planet. 6:33 AM Jan 30th via web

So I'm wondering, what's with vibrating dildos? Does anyone actually enjoy internal vibration? Happy 8am! 8:08 AM Jan 30th via web

Something's on fire in Coburg. Smells like pine and rubber. Sirens ahoy. Time for marshmellows? 5:31 PM Jan 30th via TweetDeck

Consecutive hour of wakefulness #43. Guess last hour was answer to life, the universe & everything. Whoops, missed it 9:17 PM Jan 30th via web

Actually kinda enjoying sleepless delirium. It's like having a dinner party in my head, but all the guests are on crack. 2:03 AM Jan 31st via web

No one likes the word 'discharge'. 2:58 AM Jan 31st via web

NEXT: FEBRUARY-MARCH

The Dirty Deed Of Australia's "Clean Feed" mandatory internet filter

2010-04-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

There’s a great deal of debate going on right now over mandatory internet filtering, or the “Clean Feed” proposed recently by our PM, Mr Illustrious KRudd.

I’ve been happily coughing curse words at my TV over this issue for the last few months, but there’s only so many times you can hear a “Think Of The Children” argument before you lose the plot and just want all the children to fucking die.

Having reached that point, I made myself a cup of tea and upon reflection, less-homicidal me had a few things to say.

NO ONE LIKES A PAEDOPHILE

(First, an obligatory disclaimer.) The sexual exploitation of children is abhorrent. I find the idea that any person would sexually harm a child, offensive. I am offended by it. I am offended that people like that exist; I am offended that we share oxygen and genetics and they are a part of a world I inhabit. I do not believe sexual predators can be rehabilitated, nor do I believe they should be granted leniency or exception under any rule of law.

But then, who does? I mean, realistically, who is going to stand up and say, “Think of the Paedophiles”?

Which is partly why the “Think Of The Children” argument annoys me so much - it’s redundant and inflammatory. And in this situation, it is being used to imply that anyone opposed to the Clean Feed is a kiddie diddler.

And that’s offensive.

FINGER IN THE DYKE

It is a hard truth that every society will contain individuals who perpetrate injustices and commit crimes so heinous, that we as a people are horrified and repulsed. We wish this was not the case; we dedicate a lot of time and money to making it not so but at the end of the day, the hard truth stands:

We are but human.

Mandatory filtering of Australia’s internet feed will not remove the internet as a means of dissemination for child pornography and sexual exploitation materials. Nor will it stop the demand for, or creation of, these things. Child-rapists are more likely to use email and Peer-to-Peer fileshare programs for their vile undertakings and the proposed “clean feed” won’t change that.

Stupid criminals make for good clip shows, but in reality, paedophiles are not stupid. To perpetrate their crimes and share their exploits with like-minded predators, they have to be cunning. They do not blunder into kindergartens and fall blindly into children. They are not proudly displaying their wares at childpornforyou-dot-com.

The proposed method of internet filtering will not save exploited children. And it will not prevent predators from reaching your kids - only parental supervision can do that.

The filter may catch a handful of idiots who google the words “kiddie porn”, but as it stands today, most of us are aware that every word we search for, or sentence we post in a public electronic forum, is possibly reviewed by law enforcement and security agencies.

I submit to this - but more than that, I support it.

I SUPPORT YOUR VOYEURISM

(Yes, you can add this to the long list of things that make me a terrible lefty, along with the fact I would happily drive my car to the toilet – environment be damned.)

I support the fact that I have the right to say whatever the hell I want, but that someone is keeping an eye on things in case something less ranty, more “I’m actually a person who rapes children,” comes along. To do that job effectively, I understand that my words have to be scrutinised as equally as any other.

If I thought I could post a blog entry like this one, with several hundred mentions of “child pornography” and not have some government agency red-flag it for review, I’d be seriously pissed.

HOWEVER, if my government was automatically filtering this blog post so you couldn’t read it, because it may contain “questionable content”, I would riot my way to the door of parliament and start eating people with unadulterated, anarchical glee.

SIZE MATTERS

See, a structured society walks a fine line between the protection of the so-called “Greater Good”, and the rights of the individual. As such, it is governed by two things: Collective Rule and Personal Responsibility.

Collective Rule is marked by a society’s broader acceptance of, and adherence to, certain fundamental values and ethical standards determined by the general majority. I.E. we are not down with shooting people willy nilly, and we (collectively) hate paedophiles.

Personal Responsibility rests solely with the individual, and a lack thereof is why sometimes a person will scream “fuck the collective” and run at you with their cock out.

Humanity is a vast and awesome collective, but we are individuals. Sometimes, our choices result in chaos of the most terrible kind. Sometimes, they result in unimaginable beauty.

Religion and philosophy call it Free Will: the idea that every person can act with self-determination. In science, it is reflected in the irreconcilable difference of cosmology and quantum physics: the laws that govern the vastness of space do not always work at an atomic level. The very stuff our universe is made of refuses to behave as the cosmos says it should.

A man of faith would say the devil is in the details; a man of science would essentially agree - it's all about scale.

HUMAN ORGY

Despite being a “structured” society, we each chose the rules, laws and values that we will or will not adhere to every day. That’s just the way it works. We create laws, we decide what is socially and morally acceptable, and then we have to hope that people choose not to abuse children (or run about with flying genitalia).

If they break laws, we punish them.

But you cannot persecute the many to prosecute the few.

The proposed internet filter will not stop paedophiles. If it did, I would demand one was attached to every child from birth. I would hold it a parade and rename my kitties “glory be to Clean Feed” - but it will not.

What it will do, is slow internet speeds for the average, non-kiddie-fiddling person. It will give the government the opportunity to create internet content “blacklists” - the details of which we won’t know. And it will effectively censor the greatest source of shared ideas we have.

No matter how it’s sold by the government, a blanket internet filter is policing at its most heavy handed, and our legal system is not built on a pre-supposition of guilt.

You cannot persecute the many to prosecute the few.

Filtering the entire, mostly harmless, often tedious, knowledge base of humanity; the overabundance of Star Trek fanfiction and shit-my-cat-does-videos we call the internet - is not “Thinking Of The Children”.

Policing paedophiles has to be done in the real world, because broadband doesn’t rape kids, people do. Pictures and videos, while shocking, are merely documents of crimes already perpetrated against tiny humans. Forcing these offenses deeper underground, further from view, will not stop them from occurring. It may make them harder to find.

So yes, hyper-vigilance in regards to the most vulnerable members of our society is an admirable idea. But mandatory internet filtering is shithouse execution.

Please, Think Of The Children.

Relationship Politics and the Pina Colada Song

2010-03-11T14:57:00.000-08:00

I hate the Pina Colada song (aka Escape by Rupert Holmes). I really, really do.

"If you like Pina Coladas and getting caught in the rain.
If you're not into yoga, if you have half a brain.
If you like making love at midnight, in the dunes of the cape;
I'm the lady you've looked for, write to me and escape."

That I hate this song hasn't always been true - I loved it once. It has a damned catchy tune and who doesn't enjoy singing about cocktails and sex on the beach (which, fittingly, is also a cocktail)? But a couple of years ago, I was listening and something irked me, so I checked out the lyrics.

This song fucking sucks.

The whole premise of this song is twelve kinds of wrong. First, a guy is in bed with his "old lady" (that term - gag me with a spoon) and he decides to check out the personals section in the newspaper. Right there. In bed. Beside her.

Seriously? Ever heard of discretion?

Even the douchiest of douchebags will set up a
fake internet handle before trawling the pages of meetaskankyho-dot-com, but more my point is that if nothing else, you should have the fucking decency to get out of bed before you start browsing alternative relationship options.

When cheating on your wife, clandestine beats blatantly freakin' dodgy every time.

Then - and this is the part that really gets me riled - he meets this woman in a bar and it turns out to be his equally douchebaggy wife, and confronted by each other's douchebaggery, they laugh it off: "Oh honey - will you look at that: We were both engaging in extra-marital dickery, but it's okay because obviously this means we were secretly in love all along. Hahaha. Haha. Ha."

And they live happily ever after.

Because of the rum.

It is magic.

It's at this point that I generally start to beat myself with a hammer.

Nothing in this song adds up. The only way this song adds up, is if the woman is a voice-activated robot.

If this woman is completely incapable of sharing information, or perhaps of emitting sound at an audible frequency unless this guy first issues a command code (in the form of a question) - then maybe I buy this scenario of him not knowing basic things about her.

And it would be a song about robots and rum, and that's awesome.

If not (and I suspect this is the case), this song is an excercise in fucktardedness.

How is it that this guy can refer to his "lady" as a "well-worn, favourite song", and yet he does not know that she likes pina-fucking-coladas? Here's a thing: on a scale of "national security" to "shit you should probably know", your partner's preference for a fruity rum-based drink ranks much more closely to "her middle name", than "co-ordinates of terrorist cells in large, sandy countries."

If she is not a voice-activated robot, then my only other acceptable explanation is that these two met on a desert island, where they were forced to recycle their own bodily fluids to survive. They did not talk about the finer points of beverages so as to avoid the onset of debilitating depression, and they were at all times chaperoned by a flock of nuns.

A large, angry, flock of nuns.

As for not reacting to each other's douchebaggery in the bar, I have no explanation for that. Except to suggest that each suffers from a degree of autism.

This song is pedaled as a love serenade about reigniting a waning romance. Which is bullshit.

Escape is as much a love serenade as my ear wax is a testament to the tenacity of the human race. In that it's not. In that there's a slight fucking disparity in that statement.

At best, this song is about blind luck. If the guy hadn't met his wife in that bar (and I cannot stress enough how many puppies that sentence just killed); if he had instead met the booze-addled, half-wit stranger with an aversion to stretching he was expecting, this song would've been about the joys of testicular sand-burn following a late-night romp with a pub whore - little less catchy; little more country-western.

Realistically, this song is about a lying, cheating, repressed pair of human beings, slowly suffocating in the prison of an unhappy relationship they wish desperately to be free of. Except it is wrapped in a shiny jingle of Penthouse-lite merriment. That you can dance to.

At worst, this song is the final scream of a dying relationship; the sound a couple makes when they are being eaten alive by each other, and not in the good way.

That you can dance to.

And hundreds of thousands of people believe this is a lovely, even sexy song, which means it is also a rollicking melody set to the key of astonishing ignorance. Which is less dancey, more of a headdesking number.

Why am I getting so worked up over the pina colada song? Well, I could say I take issue with anything that glorifies betrayal and that I also despise ignorance, and both would be true. But mostly, I'm leading a pretty quiet life right now and I have time to think about these things.

A lot.

So... How do you feel about pina coladas?

Quit dancing: The big gay battle is NOT OVER.

2010-02-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

We dance. We dance around freedom; we dance around rights and justice - one step forward, one step back - and it is not a merry jaunt. We smile, but we are not joyful.

We dance with justice, with freedom because it is more respectable than fighting, and now we are a respectable people.

We have become a community.

We raise children and pets and picket fences; we wear suits and ties and hold positions of power - we are just like anyone. Those of us who live in prostration do it with Pride, because we are a respectable people.

So we do not fight anymore. We do not fight.

Why? Will we waltz into a new era? Piouette into equality; two-step for a brave new world? Does taking the hand of an oppressor, twirling around the issues get us closer to where we want to be? To where we need to be?

It does not.

Dance is style and flair; it requires retreat, someone to relinquish ground and yet, we dance. We start on the back foot and ruffle our skirts around issues because now we are a respectable people. Our dance card is always full.

We do not riot anymore.

We are a respectable people, a
community, and we do not riot anymore. We are quietly angry. We are restrained.

When we speak, it is with manners: Please sir, thank you sir. We bow and we curtsey and we hold the hands of people who would call us unequal and unworthy and wrong, and we lift our skirts and tails and when it is over and we are breathless and clapping, we are no further from where we began; no closer to where we need to be.

We have circled freedom and become distracted by pomp and finery.

In our past, we were not a respectable people.

In our past, we rose up and screamed, and tore at our clothes and our suits and our ties and we incited riots. In our past we did not dance.

In our past we batted hands and beat our way through circles and we marched in lines and crowds through the streets; we waved signs and banners and held candles and we grieved loudly and with anger; past businesses and unions and corporations until we reached city hall, until we reached parliament and congress and the halls of power, and there we stood without ruffles or gloves and with bare fists we beat on the doors of politicians and churches; we hammered out our discontent because we fought for freedom and justice and the inalienable rights that were ours simply because we were human and we deserved them.

We deserve those rights. They belong to us. They are ours.

We should be a respectable people - we should be. But we should be a respectable people when we are respected. We should be a respectable people when we no longer have a battleground to march on, or issues to march for, or inequality and injustice and discrimination to march against.

We should be a respectable people when the riots are over - and they are not over. The riots are not over. There is no time to dance when the smiles are not true and the partners are not equal and the floor is not even and the issues are still there.

This is no time for dancing.

Our shoes were not made to shuffle; our skirts were not made to be lifted for respectable things, so stop taking that hand, stop circling that floor. Stop ignoring the riots of our past and rise up! March in the footsteps of the people who came before you. March because this beat was not made for waltzing.

While we are treated unfairly; while we are segregated for who we love; while we fear walking the streets of our small towns and hide away in our big cities - there is reason to fight. There is a responsibility, a need, an obligation to rise up and say "Enough!" "No more!"

We will not accept anything less than equal. We will not dance around the issues. Now is not the time for dancing.We will fight because the battle is not over. We will fight because it is what we have to do.

We will win.

Stalk me, stalk my blog: http://socialsmores.blogspot.com
Follow me on Twitter: NakedGirl_Blogs

Webisodes Killed the Gay-For-Pay Star: An Interlude

2010-01-19T04:09:00.000-08:00

How web-based shows will change your view of mainstream media.

An Interlude: Telling Stories

Humans have been telling stories since we crawled out of the primordial goo and developed opposable thumbs on our little flatworm bodies*. From simple hunting tactics to fantastical myths of our creation (and, of course, porn), humans have communicated tales of who we are, what we do and where we come from and it is a habit, a skill, a need unique to our breed of animal.

The way we tell stories and the media we use has changed a lot since our days of finger painting on cave walls. No longer confined to rudimentary symbols or text; traditional, Mainstream and New Media has allowed us to tell our stories vividly; in full technicolour and high definition.

But despite all this evolution, our reason for telling stories has stayed the same: We seek, we yearn, and we crave that transcendental moment of connection with our fellow human.

For Queers, so often marginalised, alienated and maligned, telling stories can be one of the few ways we are able to touch, not only each other, but the people who consider us to be Untouchables. Through book and stage, small screens and large, we tell our stories so we can be seen; to share that which makes us the same and remove the fear that comes from misunderstanding that which makes us different.

In the first instalment of this webseries, I talked about the importance of ~~groping~~ supporting quality homo products. In the second, I vented my frustration at Mainstream Media’s gay-pandering tactics and the infuriating trend of the TV clit-tease.

Before we get to Otalia and Venice: The Series, I want to take a moment to talk about Queer Visibility and Positive Queer Representation, and what they mean to me.

Also, Hot Chicks and Boobs.

So here we go.

Visibility Matters.

Visibility matters because queers too often feel invisible; because we are too easily marginalised. It matters because it is easier to ignore what you cannot see; to lack empathy for that which you do not experience and do not understand.
Queer visibility is about more than just good screen time. It is important that we are seen, but it is not enough to be seen if those images do not accurately represent us.

Seeing ourselves consistently portrayed in negative ways can be infinitely more damaging than seeing nothing at all.

A flood of negative stereotypes and re-occurring caricatures - the gay-for-sweeps girls and lesbian killers; transgender predators and queer paedophiles – unbalanced by equal screen time for the “average” homo, or the spectacular, crime-fighting, superhero-scientist-government-worker who just happens to be a big lesbian, creates the impression that there is nothing either normal, or wonderfully extraordinary, about being gay.

And that is a dirty, dirty lie.

Homos are AWESOMESAUCE. We act, write, build, direct, cook, sing, fly, equate, police, splice, plant, defend, groom and grow – we are every where and we could be anyone. And yes, some of us also kill, steal and break stuff. But if I see 20 queer characters ~~it’s a good year~~ and 15 of them are doing something nasty (and the other five are probably victims), something is fucking off with the math.

On the same note, anyone who then says “throw-away” scenes and characters on episodic Mainstream TV don’t matter, is a fucktard. With those odds, of course it matters. A single episode of queer badness would be incidental only if it was a drop in the bucket of Positive Queer Representation. But it’s not. We don’t even have a goddamn bucket. What we have, is millions of queers on their knees with their hands cupped, dying of dehydration. And what Mainstream Media is doing, is spitting into our hands.

Positive Queer Representation.

Media is a measure of society. It reflects us and we look to it to see ourselves. If queers are underrepresented or poorly represented, it matters. We need to know people are listening, and we need for people to know we are out there. Even the most tenuous threads of connection mean something to us.

The way queers are portrayed in Mainstream Media affects the broader social consciousness. We need to be on the radar and we need to be visible.

However, if we are only ever portrayed in a sensational or negative way; as the Villain, or the Thief, or the Killer, or the Liar, or the Fallen Hero – frankly, we are better off being invisible. At least invisible people make bad targets.

Let me tell you a little story of my own.

I grew up in a small town in a very religious family (and I was strangely unscarred by this).

I actually never heard a bitter word about – or sermon against the evils of – homosexuality back then, because in our small Aussie town, homos didn’t exist. I didn’t know what a gay person was; as far as I was concerned, the whole world lived a certain way and that was it. I may have been a roguish tomboy with a predisposition to girl-crushes, but no one mentioned the H-word.

Then, when I was 5, my best friend and I had a falling out. I was completely devastated, and I remember how confused I was that my mum didn’t understand how I loved this girl.

It occurred to me that maybe I was a little... different.

We are taught the mechanics of difference at a very young age, and asked to cross them out with a big red X. What we are not taught, or what we struggle to comprehend, is that “different” is not the same as “wrong”.

I had no concept of what that difference meant; I had no word for it - I had nothing to judge myself against except the limited social constructs of my tiny world.

That first moment of self-realisation is - for any queer of any age - a Gossamer Moment. You become raw and delicate, and whatever happens soon after (or just before), can decide the entire course of your strange new life.

Religion, a small town, utter confusion beyond what a child normally experiences - It should have led me to a life lived shamefully. Except that my Gossamer Moment never had the chance to be shattered by hateful words. Instead, I had the good fortune to see an image.

That small flicker of beauty would change my life forever.

I was 6 when my parents moved a chair from our lounge room to the dining room.

The angle of that chair meant I could creep down the hall after bedtime, curl silently into it and watch TV through a gap in the door. Oh, the things I saw in that dark room! The things my parents would never have allowed me to see!

Through TV I discovered another world - a secular world full of murder, adultery and lies, and once, a talking cartoon penis (Though disturbing, I don’t think this had any impact on my broader Gay).

One night, my mother wandered upstairs to bed and I held my breath so my father wouldn’t hear me. He stood to change the channel – flash, flash – and he paused on a film with subtitles, and I remember thinking how boring that was, and then: Two women on a bed, curling around each other like ribbons. I remember the curve of her neck as she bent to kiss her cheek, brush her lips against her lips; quiet words, their legs entwined on the sheets...

It was beautiful.

Maybe I murmured, maybe the chair creaked – all I know is my dad turned his head and I was off and running, my toes barely touching the carpet and I dove under the sheets and pulled them over my head and prayed that he would not hear my heart pounding down the hallway and come to check on me.

I wanted to be alone, just me and that glorious image burned on the backs of my eyelids. I never wanted to look at another thing again.

The year was 1989. That image would stay with me forever.

My first Encounter-Of-Gay, though fleeting, was positive. And without that image to hold onto when the hateful words came crashing in, who knows where I would be today.

When I talk about the importance of images and visibility and representation, I mean it. The smallest scene, the sweetest story, can change a life. And a deluge of negativity; of gay victims and queers who do nothing but kill themselves, change their identities or hatefully screw each other, can break your heart.

To those of us born in small towns, to those of us raised in religious communities, to those of us singled out, discriminated against, spat upon with no relief – the images we see on the small screen, or that we can capture in the privacy of our own homes, might be all we are able to touch of our world.

Positive Queer Representation matters.

*It is possible I am slightly abbreviating the evolutionary process. If any attractive, science-tastic women wish to engage me in a detailed lesson on evolution, please email me at nakedgirl@dodo.com.au with nude photos. Strictly for educational purposes.

Stalk me, stalk my blog: http://socialsmores.blogspot.com
Follow me on Twitter: NakedGirl_Blogs

Word Of The Day: Change

2010-01-04T10:37:00.000-08:00

Change.

Change is inevitable. Like growing older, the passage of time - whether you like it or not, change will come.

Sometimes change sneaks up on you; sometimes you sense its impending doom like a storm cloud heavy overhead, or a wolf snarling and nipping at your heels. However it arrives, and no matter how well you think you have prepared yourself for it, change will always, without exception, find a way to turn your world upside down.

Even the smallest of changes, such as your favourite cafe running out of soy when you go in for your morning latte, can throw out your entire day. Now you have to order tea, or grab some water, or even move on to the next cafe a block down the street. It is simple, and yet we resist. A pebble on the track, change can derail the train of your day and send you sprawling across the gravel, dirty and bloodied and wondering what the hell just happened.

Change is seldom comfortable.

I am quick to admit I do not like change, but rarely as forthcoming with why I don’t like change.

My discomfort does not come from things being different. It is differences that pave the chasms between us; they give us bridges to cross, steps to take, paths along which to discover new places, new people and new opportunities. I live my life differently; I am not average. My friends live differently. And my world is different, the queerly rainbowed place that it is.

I dislike change, not because it is the end of what was – every ending marks the beginning of something that is potentially beautiful. I dislike change, because I do not like to cede control.

Change is the antithesis of control.

You rarely have a say in change – how it begins or where it will take you. Change will blindside you like a snowball to the face. Even if you do set out to create change, to be its catalyst, you are never so much the puppeteer, the omnipotent being, as you are the Pinocchio or the scurrying ant. You might affect change, but you cannot control it. Once begun, change gathers momentum, quickly becoming too large to handle, careening wildly out of control until once again you lie stunned beside the tracks.

Recently, my life has been inundated with change.

Life itself is not tempestuous; it is the act of living that delivers us passion and fury. One cannot say she is truly alive without momentum, without action and therefore, without change, because without change we would have no reason to grow, there would be nothing new to learn and we would have nothing over which to triumph. Victory needs obstacles (not enemies) to be attained. Stumbling blocks are the things we climb on to reach ever-higher, until finally we can touch the stars.

And yet, I buck against change. Each change is a weight across my back, a saddle or a yoke and like an unbroken horse, I thrash against it. I yearn for freedom unfettered by these things; for the chance to canter hellishly through the undergrowth, never stopping or changing paths, never reaching the edge of the horizon or the end of the world.

It is not possible. Eventually, earth gives way to ocean. No road or continent goes on forever.

So what can we do about change?

Because of its inevitability, it is expected we will accept change. Perhaps slowly, perhaps with resistance – indeed, without liking it - but change comes with an expectation of acceptance.

I do not accept that.

I will roll with the punches; I will go with the flow. I will adapt to new people and new situations. I will take everything in my stride. In a zombie apocalypse, I’d blink and move on to what needed to be done. If zombies it is, then zombies it is. That’s not to say I wouldn’t fight.

I will not passively accept a total loss of control, and so it is simply not in my nature to be comfortable with change.

Will this unwillingness to cede control mean that my days will be filled with more internal – and occasionally external – conflict than I would face otherwise? Undoubtedly.

However, I could never be content living as the flotsam of life; letting myself be hurtled or propelled through days like so much grit in the ocean; never once thinking to dig in my heels, to muddy the waters or turn the tide. Without struggle, there is no strength. It takes resistance to build muscle.

Last year, I lost my job, my financial security, my impenetrable home, a few friends and my mind. Each change was thrust upon me and certainly was not welcomed, any more than it could have been predicted. I fought to control as much as I could.

Change happened around me. But I would not let it happen to me.

Thoreau said:

"Things do not change; we change."

While that is a pretty sentiment, it is also bullshit. Things do change. What is important, then, is what we do when confronted by change. What is important, is that we do not let these things forcibly change us.

When change happens, as inevitably it will, certainly we must adapt and we must grow, but it is important that we do these things autonomously. Change, like greatness, can be attained or thrust upon us. But unlike a great (gender-nullified) man, a changing (gender-nullified) man is not inherently a good thing.

Ellen Glasgow said:

"All change is not growth; as all movement is not forward."

When faced with change, it is important to remember that while it may not be escapable, it doesn’t have to be passively accepted.

The inevitability of change does not mean that it is immutable. Life happens, change happens – infamously, shit happens – but the act of living remains always with us. It is an action only we can take; a precipice from which only we can leap. Change may push you to the edge, but it is you who can chose not to fall, but to spread your wings and take flight.

Change will come. It will disturb the sand we bury our heads in, it will parry the thrusts of our brutal offenses, it will break the fingers in our ears and unravel the rebuttals on our tongues.

You will not be ready, but change will come.

Just remember that, even if it puts you on the back foot, you are still standing. And though you may have no control over what happens to you, the same cannot be said for how you respond. The world will change, but you can choose when and how you will change with it.

And in a zombie apocalypse, always go for the shotgun.

Stalk me, stalk my blog - http://socialsmores.blogspot.com
Twitter: NakedGirl_Blogs

When good bloggers go bad: An Update and NYE whatsits

2009-12-31T02:10:00.000-08:00

Dear people who read this blog, thereby giving my life a sad sceric of meaning - I have been bad. Not in a nude, are-you-sure-it's-okay-if-you-touch-me-there, I-don't-think-you're-really-a-doctor way, more in a it's been a few weeks since I blogged kind of way.

The beautiful luddites that are my grandparents, and whom I visited to fulfill my Christmas family requirements, did not have internet access, thereby ensuring I spent the festive season chain-smoking, chewing my nails to the elbows and convulsing like a recovering crack addict.

Apparently, iCrave modem.

This is just a quick note to say thank you for your comments, notes, emails, tweets etc and I will reach out and cybertouch you in dirty places ASAP.

In the mean time, I pledged my body and some very explicit pictures of my girl parts to Rosemary Rowe (writer of Seeking Simone) and in exchange, she blogged about how great I am in bed. (Disclaimer: The fact that Rosemary blogged about me, and the fact that I have exceptional prowess in bed, are both facts, but may not necessarily be related to each other. At all.)

Check out the blog here: Seeking Simone and Naked Girl - Together At Last http://www.seekingsimone.com/2009/12/seeking-simone-and-naked-girl-together-at-last.html And remember to watch this fan-tasmic series.

Venice: The Series will be up very shortly, as well as a suprise fourth part on Anyone But Me, by popular demand.

Happy New Year, all - and remember: If you're going to do something, make sure it's dirty enough to get you blacklisted, but awesome enough that you'll keep the Presidency.

Naked Girl x

Webisodes Killed the Gay-For-Pay Star: Part 2

2009-12-18T06:32:00.000-08:00

How web-based shows will change your view of mainstream media.

Part 2: Desperately Seeking Simone

Welcome back. If you’re not sure why I’m saying welcome back, that’s okay – we’re confused around here a lot of the time. This is the second in a three-part series I’m writing on web shows; shows that can take the gay-pandering mainstream media out into a back alley and beat them to a rainbowed pulp, with their top-shelf content and pure, independent, homo pizzazz.

So yes, welcome back. Please take off your pants.

< This is a segue >

Law and Order: Special Victim’s Unit is a big-bucks, primetime TV show about a bunch of detectives and prosecutors who investigate sex crimes, and I shouldn’t have to explain that to most of you, because it stars Mariska Hargitay as Detective Olivia Benson and Stephanie March as ADA Alex Cabot. Together, they form Cabenson – a femslash-tastic duo of hotness, in ass-kicking proportions. Why am I bringing this up? Well, partly so I can use these pictures:

And partly because... Sorry, need more time with those pictures? I’ll wait...

SVU is a good example of mainstream media recognising their gay audience without placing any real effort into maintaining or progressing it: They tease with possibility because they know our expectations are low but our hopes are high. We will tune in religiously for the merest proximity between female characters, and write them into a Shakespearian romance in our heads, without the producers of a show ever having to “compromise” their mainstream audience.

Sarah Warn, over at AfterEllen.com, brought a lesbian hope-induced heart attack to us all earlier this year, when she reported on a press call in which Stephanie March said (about the Alex/Olivia relationship):

"I’m not saying we’re not... I’m not saying we’re not in love."

Warn mentions that,

“Later, executive producer Neal Baer acknowledged on the call that he and the writers are very aware of the lesbian following for March and Hargitay”.

Baer admitted way back in 2005:

"We read the fan sites. We know that people are into the Alex-Olivia thing. All the codes are in there."

Again, why am I bringing it up? Because Baer’s awareness, and subsequent admission, does not occur in a vacuum.

I rant about mainstream media pandering to homos without actually valuing them, or portraying and representing them in a fair and realistic way, because it is trufax. Producers do know we are here. They do know we are watching. And they do think there’s little they have to do to keep us right where they want us.

Now, I’m not suggesting anyone stop watching SVU, because my heart also flutters for A/O. And I will always advocate for guilty pleasures.

But I am saying that it is important to recognise what you are being given before you accept it, and certainly to examine it before saying, “Thanks - Your shit doesn’t stink at all.”

If you are not a diesel dyke with a trucker’s hat and an affinity for plaid; if you are not a high-femme lesbian with a ball-breaker attitude and a blind eye for penis if it gets you to the top; if you are not a limp-wristed lycra queen with a razor-sharp tongue; and if you are not a bisexual who sleeps with women only when a man is there to watch you – chances are you have not seen yourself represented on a screen of any size, or in printed media at all.

If you have, it is likely you have raised that tiny piece of screen time, or article, or book, or person, high above your head until it has reached a god(ess)-like state for you - even if the image is grainy, or the words contrived, or the impression so fleeting you could blink and miss it.

We crave to see ourselves reflected, to have our lives justified by media, and it may not make a lick of sense but that doesn’t make a lick of difference.

Whether it should or not, representation matters.

And that brings me to my next piece of webisode awesomesauciness:

Seeking Simone.

Simone couldn’t be any more real. Simone is so real, she is sometimes almost painful to watch – Like the time you remember making a fool of yourself in front of that beautiful woman you tripped over in the supermarket, 12 oranges spilling from your hand basket even though you were never going to eat them, but that you picked up so you could linger over her as she checked the nectarines, imagining the cohesiveness of your condiments together, and the way your cats would curl up in her lap when you weren’t in it...

... Not that I’ve ever done that.

Simone is that sort of real.

Simone (a most gorgeous Renée Olbert) is a TV actress/lesbian looking for love, and aren’t we all. (Did I say love? I meant sex. Not love, not the gushy kind – strong and independent woman over here: Yup, the naked, sweaty kind of love. That’s what I meant.)

With the help of her best friend Audrey (Anna Chatterton) and their exhaustive, web camera-based conversations, Simone begins an arduous, crazy adventure through the world of online (and offline) lesbian dating.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Lesbians are nucking futs.

Seeking Simone combines awkwardness, hilarity and a tight, witty script (Rosemary Rowe has mad, Joss-tastic skillz) to wrap you up in Simone’s world; to have you cringing and cheering at each move she makes and, without exception, laughing out loud and with a vengeance – and each webisode is, impressively, between 7 and 9 minutes long.

But let’s get down to the important stuff: Hot Chicks.

Seeking Simone haz them. Olbert, Chatterton, Michelle Girouard (Elise), Kiran Friesen (Carmella - Oh, Carmella) – viewing pleasure is HIGH; femslash-ability potential is infinite. (Seeking Simone also adds to my lifelong belief that most good things come from Canada. ((This list begins with You Can’t Do That On Television and ends with Gay Marriage.))

But it is in webisode 1.4: A League Of Her Own, that Seeking Simone really hits its stride. Am I only saying this because the episode is Sexy-As-Hell and will make your toes curl? Maybe. But then, you’d expect no ~~more~~ less of me.

If you enjoy watching hot women push each other up against walls – And let’s be honest: Who doesn’t? – then welcome to Seeking Simone: You will enjoy your stay here. And, unlike the conversation Simone has with her agent at the start of wep 1.4 – 'Kill a minor character on ForensicSWAT or make them go "gay" for sweeps week' (spot-on mainstream media pandering tactics) – Simone is playing for keeps. She’s not going to get less gay.

These are webisodes, my dear - Things get shinier from here on in. They will never get less gay-tastic. When Simone's leather-clad love interest Camella (Friesen) returns in the latest webisode, 1.5: Dirty Birds, the sexy just keeps on coming. (Back to SVU again: Carmella = sexier Casey Novak or WHAT)

Or:

You're seeing what I'm seeing, right?

So, what will it cost me?

Seeking Simone is in its first season and is completely free. Enjoy it however long that lasts, and make sure that if it ever goes to subscription, that you pay for it because dammit, Rosemary and Renee have proved themselves worth it. Let me use this picspam to prove that:

Cabenson and BeNovak relationships aside, Seeking Simone will have you desperately seeking as much as I do. Seeking Simone has femslash possibilities.

But more than that, Seeking Simone has real world possibilities. Seeking Simone has the possibility not only to fulfil our viewing pleasure, it has the possibility to move beyond webisode goodness and onto the small screen for much longer than the 9 minutes it runs now.

I desperately seek Simone. You will too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more SVU/Seeking Simone comparisons to make. In private. With the blinds drawn.

Next up: Part 3 - When Otalia lesbians strike back, Venice: The Series.

Stalk me, stalk my blog: http:// socialsmores.blogspot.com

Word Of The Day: Introspective

2009-12-17T18:36:00.000-08:00

Do you know who you are?

What makes you tick?

What kick-starts your heart; makes your soul rise from your chest and expand to fill every corner of a room, until no air is left but the sweet scent of At Last! and Is this what it means to feel whole??

Do you know who you are?

Would you recognise yourself without a mirror? Do your deeds and actions reflect your beliefs and values?

Are you constantly at war with yourself, saying one thing but doing another; compromising yourself until so little of you is left that it could slip through your fingers like water?

Are you unsure what “taking a stand” even means?

Take a moment.

Sit with yourself, in darkness or in light, or on a boat on the sea away from everyone, away from expectations and ask yourself: Who am I?

What do I want from this life?

Do not ask what you have to do, do not ask what does it want from me?, because in life, there will always be conflict. There will always be someone, or something you feel you must defer to.

Do not defer life. Do not defer who you are.

Know who you are.

Introspection is never wasting time. A life without knowledge of who you are is not living.

Know who you are.

Be who you are.

Everything else will change.

Stalk me, stalk my blog: http://socialsmores.blogspot.com

Webisodes Killed the Gay-For-Pay Star: Part 1

2009-12-16T08:46:00.001-08:00

How web-based shows will change your view of mainstream media.

PART 1: Do We Really Have To Stop Now?

A little while ago, I wrote a column called Raining On The Gay Parade, in which I implied (see also: flat-out stated) the gay community has a lemming*-esque reaction to anything pitched as gay – movies, TV, books, music and community representatives, regardless of their actual worth. Then I ranted that we should be a more discerning, demanding audience, and finished by complaining about The L Word. You know - the usual.

What I didn't do, was suggest alternatives to the crap we're dealt, which makes me about as useful as a penis in a dyke bar. And I never, ever, ever, want to be compared to a penis. Never.

Never.

So today I'm posting the first in a three-part series on kick-ass alternatives. (This one's mostly for the ladies, but if you want to send me a link for the boys, please do so.) Since I'm such an up-to-date, tech-savvy child of the social-networking revolution, I'll be talking to you about New Media. In this case, the Wonderful World of Webisodes.

Never heard of a webisode? You'll be hearing the word a lot, so if you're not down already with netspeak, you'd best get acquainted. Web-based "TV" shows are the way of the future. Episodic series' pumped straight to the interwebz, without the need for mainstream ratings, TV executives or advertising dollars, means these shows can match and eclipse the content of anything "gay" you've seen on your TV for a very long time.

I'm not going to give you a history of Webries, or a definitive list of what's out there, but I do want to talk about three particular shows: Two that are so unmissable, so awesomesauce that I cream myself, and one that is most notable for its ground-breaking creation. So here we go.

We Have To Stop Now.

Firstly, Suzanne Westenhoefer. If you are a lesbian (though I pose this to everyone regardless of gender or orientation), and you do not recognise this name, you have been missing out on one of the greatest things lesbianism has to offer (the others being, of course, guiltless leg-hair growth and the comfort of a good vagina). Susan Westenhoefer is a comedienne for which the word hilarious does not suffice.

I'm gushing? Well, she's funny. I dig funny.

How about Jill Bennett? Or Cathy DeBuono? I could list their starring roles and TV achievements, but since we're in Oz, you won't recognise any of the gay stuff because WE DON'T GET IT HERE. Mainstream whatsits include Beverly Hills 90210, Star Trek: DS9, Dante's Cove, Becker – they've accumulated a lot of screen time between them, and are outrageously talented actresses, but really, I'd like to let these photos speak for themselves:

Need I say more?

Probably not, but I will.

We Have To Stop Now is a show about a lesbian couple, Dyna (DeBuono) and Kit (Bennett), both therapists, who are seeing a therapist ("Susan", played by Westenhoefer), to save their failing relationship. Reasonably straightforward, except that Dyna and Kit have recently released a relationship guide book and its popularity depends on their problems being kept on the down-low. Add to the mix a camera man following their every move for publicity, and Kit's "dead beat" sister coming to stay on their couch, and tensions are running high for this surface-perfect duo.

WHTSN combines two of my favourite things: witty, side-splittingly dry humour; and Hot Chicks. (I never said I was noble.) Seriously, I would crawl across the desert just to sweat in Cathy DeBuono's shadow. But that aside, the dialogue is first-rate, the performances are brilliant and the production value is exceptional, particularly considering these ladies are funding and filming everything without the backing of a network or advertising budget.

So what will it cost you?

Season 1 of We Have To Stop Now was free, is free and will remain, to the best of my knowledge, free. Jump onto http://www.wehavetostopnow.tv/wehavetostopnow/Home.html and hit the Season 1 tab, and all 9 parts (7 webisodes), each between 5 and 9 minutes long, are ready for your viewing pleasure. And let me say, when the ladies get down and dirty in House Standing Part Deux, your viewing pleasure will be IMMENSE. I died a little bit, in the happiest of ways.

Season 2 promises to be packed with some amazing guests, including hot-and-hilarious Erin Foley, Meredith Baxter (OMG Mrs Keaton is a homo; could Mallory be next plz?), Sandra Valls and a bunch of other shag-tastic leading lesbians, and of course more Jill, Cathy and Suzanne, but it will come at a cost: $24 USD ($27 AUD) - and I call that a BARGAIN.

I just checked, and that's five bucks LESS than you'd pay for a season of The L Word (at JB Hi-fi). Which, in turn, is three-times as much as the final season of The L Word is even worth. No - ten times as much. Need I rant again about the face-slap of the finale?

Eh – I'm not here to sell you things. But I will push We Have To Stop Now Season 1 like a drug-addled crack dealer, because you'll be very glad I did.

Webisodes are the way of the future – particularly for gay media, because our voices and images are so often drowned out by the roar of the "mainstream".

Right now, queers are told we are too few to be profitable, too minor to be regularly represented and too misunderstood to be shown honestly and fairly on TV – not as the flamboyant, bitchy queer, or the murderous lesbian; the unpalatable leather man or femme-fatale "bisexual" (who only ever dates men) - But we're not.

Instead of seeming grateful for transparent pandering and barely disguised contempt from mainstream media, and gushing about the greatness of gay-but-ultimately-crap products, people and shows, we should be supporting the women (and men) who make quality product for us, about us and in an environment fuelled only by belief, creativity and a trickle of personal cash.

This support will not only ensure the future of Hot Chicks delivered directly into your... viewing pleasure, it may even give the mainstream, "popular" media a wake-up call: We gays are not a simple people. We will not eat shit with a spoon and a grin. And the Pink Dollar is really more black-and-white – It pays to do more than pander to us.

And that's the Naked truth.

I should stop now.

Continued: Part 2 - Desperately Seeking Simone. Then, Part 3 - When Otalia lesbians strike back, Venice: The Series.

* I know real lemmings don't actually follow-the-leader into a fatal display of mindlessness over cliffs, but I'm sticking with it.

Stalk me, stalk my blog: http://socialsmores.blogspot.com

Word Of The Day: Voracity

2009-12-15T21:39:00.000-08:00

Voracity.

What makes you voracious? What drives you to ravenous consumption? What fuels your lust for life?

Is it hidden in a gastronomic boutique? Do you find it in words crafted on a page? Is it stored in a museum or gallery? Is it in the people you fuck?

Do you grind your way to pleasure vertically on a dance floor? Do you feel alive late at night, talking across a river of wine?

Did anything today make you feel voracious? Did you do anything that fed the fire within you?

Maybe life was ordinary, but did you live it as an extraordinary person?

It is voracity, not tenacity, that makes a life LIVED.

Consume with passion. Live voraciously.

Stalk me, stalk my blog: http://socialsmores.blogspot.com

Naked Rules Of Engagement: A Change Of Plans

2009-12-14T21:29:00.000-08:00

My rules of engagement are as follows:

1: NEVER give up without a fight.

2: Never kick a man when he's ~~stupid~~ down.

3: If you do have to kick him, aim for the face.

4: If you're done, you can lie down, but NEVER take it.

So, I just quit my job.

Resigned. Finished. Completo.

I said my piece. In fact I've been saying it for six months. I've had meetings about it and lodged paperwork and hugged it out and yelled and ranted and cajoled and you know what? When you're done, you're done. I was done.

Is it just me, or does the world seem a shiner, happier place, full of glitter and magical sparkly things? Oh, it is just me?

Maybe that's because y'all are still working at 4.20 pm on a Tuesday afternoon. Me, I'm blogging on my front porch, with three cats and a cup of green tea. It's lovely out here. Beach weather.

I won. I fought and I won. Not the way I expected I would win, but a win is a win all the same. Because I am alive, and I am free, and I am whole, and the future has shiny shiny possibilities.

I have never lived to work, although I do work with passion and relish. But when that's gone, I work to live. And when working starts to eclipse living, why, that's no way to live at all. And, There's No Crying In Baseball.

You do what you can, you say what you have to say and if you change even one person's thinking - and I changed two - sometimes that has to be enough.

So, anyone looking to hire a sassy, passionate writer with media and political expertise, who can turn a phrase on a dime and leave it begging for more?

I'm available.

Stalk me, stalk my blog: www.socialsmores.blogspot.com

This guy says gays CAN marry - just not each other

2009-11-18T03:14:00.000-08:00

Playing with my Squidoo lens today (unfortunately not as dirty as it sounds), I stumbled across a fellow calling himself SaveTalkRadio . He describes himself as a "fiscal conservative" - If I wasn't so diplomatic, I'd call him an ignorant putz. But I'm a lady, dammit.

Anywho, he has a lens (page) titled "Hetrosexuals Do Not Have Special Rights". That is, you may have guessed, a crock of shit, but I read it for shits and giggles and at the end, felt the need to reply.

If you want to read the full page, you masochists, here's the link again: "I'm A Wanker - Ask Me How!" If you want to vote on his poll or comment I'd encourage that, though I'd urge you to speak thoughtfully rather than frothing at the mouth as I'm sure we'd all prefer to do.

If you're too lazy to click the link and/or read, I'll give you a brief rundown: SaveTalkRadio argues that Homosexuals and Hetrosexuals DO have equal rights to marriage, because they are both allowed to get married - to people of the opposite sex, of course. I read it, then my brain broke and I fell down.

This argument against the existence of discrimination while actively promoting discrimination is dangerous because it's insidious, intelligent and has a certain logic to it, despite that logic not resembling our earth logic.

If I hear one more time, "I have nothing against gay people, I just don't think they should get married", someones going to receive a hearty beating about the head with a heavy bound copy of my most verbose definition of the word "contradictory".

Here's what I had to say to ~~the putz~~ SaveTalkRadio:

Your argument is well-written and reasonably well-conceived, considering it's based on convoluted logic.

Marriage is the "institution" governments use for recognising that two people have entered into a contract that makes them legally and economically reliant on each other, but more than that, it implies an emotional bond not present in your average partnership contract. This emotional element is what raises marriage above, say, drawing up a few business contract papers in a lawyer's office.

Married couples are automatically extended certain rights, privileges and protections as they relate to tax, health benefits, custody of children etc - not just because of economic reliance, but because of this perceived emotional dependence on each other. It is recognised by government and the broader society that it will be more difficult and "painful" to unravel the lives of a married couple should this "contract" end, and it is also understood that during the course of a marriage, these bonds entwine two people together, so that they act almost as one and are treated as such.

Gay people want to access these same rights and privileges offered by their government, as well as the acknowledgment that they are bound together just as intrinsically as an opposite-sex couple.

You say gays can access marriage, they just have to marry someone of the opposite sex. And that's where your logic gets pear-shaped. Understanding this exceptional, recognised bond seen to take place within a marriage, a gay man or woman marrying someone of the opposite sex would be far more damaging and offensive to the institution of marriage than opening it up to couples that fulfil and embrace this implied bond. I argue that by suggesting it, you are showing a disrespect for the institution of marriage that goes against your claimed defense and protection of it.

As for saying equal access for individuals is equal access, period - Marriage requires the right of the individual to be measured by their relationship to another person. Marriage is not an individual act. I don't care what dictionary you're reading, there has to be two people involved. If neither of these people are having their freedom of speech and expression, or cultural freedoms upheld and respected, this practice is discriminating. Access to governmental and legal protections ONLY IF you are a certain way is discrimination. You cannot means-test liberty.

As a conservative, fiscal or otherwise, I am surprised your argument would sanction the suppression or abolition of individual freedoms. If nothing else, they are the reason we can have this conversation right now - You can express your opinion, I mine, and neither of us expect to be punished for doing so.

You have every right to believe gay people should not be allowed to get married. But it is better to use straightforward honesty, such as "I just don't feel it is right", than to argue with false logic. In a free society, I cannot fault or discriminate against someone for feeling a certain way.

Of course, neither can you.

-- Naked Girl

Thoughts? Feelings? Throbbing headache from headdesk-ing?

Let me know if you chose to post :)

Follow my blog: http://socialsmores.blogspot.com

MOGeek: How I fixed my SIDEBAR dropping below the posts.

2009-11-18T01:18:00.000-08:00

So last night I was minding my own business, playing with ~~myself~~ my blog, when the Main Page with list of my posts went HAYWIRE and the sidebar and gadgets dropped beneath the posts.

Weird thing was, when you clicked into a post, the sidebar was fine.

What I know about HTML could fit in a sock, and the thing that sock-full of knowledge would be most useful for is beating my computer. But I don't give up easily, so I checked the coding and tweaked and prodded and finally, cursed at my computer and spent twenty minutes throwing beans at it.

Later, I checked the Blogger help pages. I did everything they said to do, and nothing happened. I realised it was probably a Page Break issue, but couldn't fix it even with the HTML fixes on the blogger help pages.

HERE'S HOW I FOUND THE PROBLEM:
I narrowed down the possible problems to three posts and a gadget - the last things I had been working on. The sidebar and gadget HTML looked fine. Only one blog entry was behind a page break. Bingo.

HERE'S THE SOLUTION:

I know it may sound painful and/or tedious, but this is the best way to do it and it will fix the problem in a flash.

1: First, copy everything in the blog post you think is causing problems and paste it into NOTEPAD. Making a copy of the post text will save you if you accidentally delete anything or have to try again. It is important to use Notepad because it is a basic text reader/writer and so it doesn't put in formatting that can screw with your blog post. Microsoft works or other rich text "advanced" word processing programs will cause more problems.

2: Now that your post is saved, press the edit pencil to edit your blog post.

3: Make sure your editor is in the "Compose" section, not "Edit HTML".

4: Select all text and press the "Remove formatting" button. You can find it in the right-hand corner of the editing bar. It looks like a T with a red X beside it.

5: Re-publish your post with the "Publish Post" button.

6: Check Main Page.

Voila! Your sidebar should be back to normal. Unfortunately, your post will have lost all bolding, italics and if it contained pictures, they will be in the wrong places, but that's fixable. Oh, and I was able to put the page break in when I was finished and it didn't hurt my sidebar at all!

Now tell me, wasn't it worth the time?

Happy blogging!

What's a Gay Wad? Apparently a smart kid with strong values.

2009-11-17T23:12:00.000-08:00

DAS ÜBERMENSCH! I really hope this kid is a sign of our future.

Ethical porn brings all the girls to the yard.

2009-11-16T23:44:00.000-08:00

New Vagabond Magazine (VagMag) is an awesome Melbourne-based online magazine packed full of great tips on ethical shopping, the state of our eco nation and more importantly from issue #2 - ethical Porn.

Ethical. PORN.

Now that's something I can get behind. Pantsless.

Moment of Geek: How to add SHARE! Link Buttons to your posts

2009-11-16T21:35:00.000-08:00

A quick geek post: After hours trying to insert individual buttons into my posts for various info sharing sites (Stumble Upon, Digg, Technorati etc), I finally found this little gadget called "AddThis", with which I want to have many many techno!babies.

Now that I don't have to screw around with manually pasting code on each post, I have a whole afternoon to sit in the sunshine and play with myself.

Thanks, interwebz!

Gay marriage isn't about getting married, dammit

2009-11-16T03:17:00.000-08:00

Let’s get down to brass tacks: This “marriage equality” thing has little to do with getting married. No, seriously - it’s not about bloody marriage.

Sure, if gay marriage becomes legal some of you might get married. Good for you. I hope you enjoy your twenty identical rice cookers. If you’re thinking of inviting me, I don’t do tulle or chiffon. Or purple. Or happy-fun times.

Marriage equality isn’t about marriage, because it just can’t be.

Because marriage is an outdated social construct wrapped in a frivolous ceremony that is used to gloss over the fact marriage has its roots in slavery, and was created for a time when a woman’s worth was measured in the dowry she delivered and the sons she bore; a time when a woman was owned by her father until she was traded to a husband for goods and/or services rendered, and when the contract between man and woman was more for the benefit of the agreement between men than for the love of a good woman.

That’s not lefty feminist tripe, because lefty feminists regularly kick me out of their camp, due to my crude behaviour (and occasional grope-age of their boobs). No, that is the stuff they call truth.

The majority of the people I associate with, and/or call my friends, exist within relationship structures that bear little-to-no resemblance to what I would also say is the outdated structure of monogamy (and yes, I am actually a monogamist). Monogamy is outdated.

The necessity of a single-partner relationship with the presumption of fertility is an arcane idea that does not fit with our post-war, post-feminist, post-Free-Love, post-AIDs crisis, post-forgetting-of-AIDs-crisis, internet-endowed, social-networking society. Woman no longer needs man to survive. She does not need to rely on man to make a wage, she does not need him to own property or housing, she does not need him to protect or defend her honour and one can argue she does not need him to bear children - not within her immediate proximity, anyway.

Ipso facto, man does not need woman to keep his house, to be in proximity to birth his children, or to give him purpose and standing in our society.

In no longer needing each other, we negate the necessity of the institution that is marriage.

Let’s be very clear here: “Marriage” has nothing to do with being in love. Not in the way we’ve been parading the word around. If used as an adjective, if used to describe the many years two people spend pouring themselves into a relationship, marriage is synonymous with love – or at least to a couple’s dedication to compromise, understanding and the occasional door-breaking fight over the remote control. But as an institution, as a legally recognised contract between two people to be financially and legally dependent on each other – love has nothing to do with it. Bonding, sure - but not L.O.V.E.

We don't need to be married to love. But couples who want to get married, should not be denied access to it.

No, this “marriage equality” thing isn’t about getting married to "have" love (and I know I’ve said this before, and I know you can all hum the tune, but it seems to need constant repetition). No government can sanction love. No church, no economic body, no lawyer or court or policy maker can define, designate or quantify love.

Poets and artists have struggled for thousands of years to capture its essence, to convey its power and fragility, to explain its devastation and its empowerment. But Love defies understanding; it cannot be denied or artificially created; it stands defiant in the face of logic and grim determination.

And “marriage equality” isn’t about marriage, comma, the “Bridezilla-esque” act of, comma, because it can’t be, because I am not a frivolous person. I lack the patience for meaningless chatter on how beautiful the bride looked, I’m too outspoken to let the father-of-the-bride grope me in a drunken haze without recriminations, and I’m too allergic to people to spend time shopping for that “perfect” gift.

I am a Humanist. That’s like a sociologist with less academia, a politician with less posturing, a philosopher with a more realistic view of the downfalls of humanity all wrapped up in one surly, girl-shaped bag of flesh. I don’t throw my weight behind arcane views, “moral” majorities or reasons for cake (although I do quite like cake). I don’t, because as one woman - who holds my heart so dearly in her brains - put it recently, I strive for the “Uberwench”. Some of you will recognize the wonderfully gender-fucked version of Ubermensch, a la Thus spoke Zarathustra.

For those who don't, this is very basically the idea that society will one day be populated by “better”, more advanced people. People with compassion, and altruism, and understanding borne of inherent curiosity; people who believe in people because people are something to be believed in, and people who understand the beauty of the Oxford comma.

Marriage equality is not about gay marriage at all. “Marriage equality” is a symbol we use for a concept that is either too complicated, or takes too long to explain to the wider populace of our instant-gratification society. It's about the elimination of discrimination.

I may have made a career out of being a whore for the wankfest that is mainstream media, but it doesn’t take a trained eye to understand that “Spin” makes the world go around. In the restricted space of headlines, “Marriage” gets people’s attention. “Gay marriage” makes people form an opinion. Good or bad – interest is roused.

I disagree that “any press is good press”, but in a world that is saturated with information, and in which opinions can be given and received at the stroke of a key, you have to make your issue painfully clear to a majority of people – and get them to give a damn – with as little effort on their behalf as is possible.

The issues, inequalities and general up-fuckedness homos deal with every day could fill the tomes of academia for lifetimes and still have an epilogue or two to throw around. BIG DEAL. Who has time to slog through that?

Whether you agree with it or not – and our many-shaded Rainbow Nation is never going to agree on fucking anything – “marriage” is what we have to work with. The "mainstream" gets it, they care about it, and they can understand the basics when we tell them we’re the only group in the world that isn’t allowed to have it. Moral posturing aside, “all but one” is a pretty frickin’ straightforward definition of discrimination.

For 30 years we (teh gayz) have been (visibly) fighting for gay rights and inclusion. For 30 years, the mainstream has not quite caught on. If it takes the word “marriage” to finally get our voices heard and our point across, I will not only scream it amply and with force, I will clutch it between my thighs and fuck it as I think of (Angelina Jolie dressed as) England.

And that's the Naked truth.

Always the bridesmaid (ACTing civilised)

2009-11-14T23:06:00.000-08:00

Australia’s Capital has passed a bill allowing same-sex couples civil ceremonies as part of their recognized civil partnerships.

Big, fat, hairy deal.

Krudd’s already raising a brouhaha about it - the political version of masturbatory foreplay in the jerk-circle that is our State-Federal Government - preparing for another pack-buggery of human rights that shocks footy players with its blatant disregard for social mores.

And again I say, big, fat hairy deal.

The way I see it is, Krudd has his dick in his hand, waving it about over civil ceremonies because this is the stuff government wet dreams are made of. What we’ve been given here, is a toddler’s pool full of jelly. That’s what Civil Partnership are – they’re jelly. Jelly is brightly coloured, strangely sweet, but created from artificial ingredients that tend to leave you sticky and unsatisfied when you’re done.

The more Krudd Labor’s over this argument, the more we’ll get bogged down and – in his teen fantasy – forget all about the big pool where the big kids swim. Yes, boys and girls – remember that Epicurean arena? Where we will lay around a pool of freshly chlorinated water and eat grapes as our husbands and wives massage our feet? That’s the “Everyone Else” pool. And in case you’re so disturbed by the mental horror of political dick metaphors I’ve been using so far, what I’m talking about is Marriage.

While we’re high-fiving over the inflatable pool of jelly, and manning the perimeter with angry dykes and misleading Muscle Marys, the pollies are lining up to watch a little ol’ fashioned girl-on-girl jelly canoodling.

What do I care that homos can have a civil ceremony (separate to marriage) to go with a Civil Partnership Act (separate to marriage)? Don’t get me wrong – it’s a good first step in the right direction. But I’m not excited enough to get my gear off and jump in the sticky stuff just yet, and particularly not while Krudd and his cronies are still heckling from the sidelines.

Now that I’ve stretched that metaphor to the point of having to put it out of its misery, let me say this: I started this fight for equal rights. I’m pretty sure most of you did too. So now is not the time to let shiny things distract us from that goal.

Have a private squeal. Down a beer. Get into your togs – I’m sure most of us are already in them (I rock a boy-leg ‘kini). But don’t take off those ass-kicking boots until we’re diving into the big kids’ pool, okay?

Pro-Rape, Crackbook and The Age

2009-11-08T17:27:00.000-08:00

Did everyone catch the story in today’s Age titled: Elite College Students Proud of 'Pro-Rape' Facebook Page?

Interesting read. Crackbook breeds some beauties, doesn’t it?

Look, nothing good can be said of rape, or being “pro-rape”. I don’t care if you’re arguing against aged-based or “statutory rape” laws, as one student claimed; consent is sexy, rape is abhorrent. No other arguments apply.

No, what I want to concentrate on is something I believe reporter Ruth Pollard missed in her look at the atmosphere and attitudes of a college that might lead to the conception of this horrible piece of Crackbook shame.

“The Reverend Canon Ivan Head, who has been the warden of St Paul's College since 1995, said he had no knowledge of the Facebook page before the Herald contacted him, describing it as ''directly contrary to stated college policies'' and acknowledging that ''this could be a site that encourages criminality''.

He said he had received no complaints about the site.

''College officers ... endeavour to listen to gender-based conflict or complaint[s] with compassion, insight and the capacity to refer to relevant legal authorities,'' Dr Head wrote in a statement. ”

Revhead, as I will refer to him, in lieu of the preferred Dickhead moniker, shone some glaring insight on the attitudes of college supervisors, when he referred to rape allegations as “gender-based conflict…” Let that sink in for a moment.

Rape as a “gender-based conflict”.

In one foul swoop, the good Revhead has reduced this heinous act to a comic’s stereotypical laugh-line. Footy vs shoes, is a gender-based conflict. Toilet seat up vs toilet seat down, is a gender-based conflict. Rape is a morally and legally abhorrent perpetration of violation against another person.

(I would also argue here that reducing the definition of rape to the act of a man violating a woman is narrow-minded, ignorant and discriminating to those who experience other types of opposite or same-sex rape, but I’ll refrain, due to the pre-gendered nature of the original Facebook group.)

I believe every person is responsible for his or her own actions, and I am also a strong advocate of not expecting schools to hold the majority of responsibility for teaching morals to youths. Parents lay the foundations of a child’s character and should be responsible for building them into functioning members of our society.

However, kids spend a lot of time in schools, and so a lot of their day-to-day disciplinary actions come from schools. Imagine how violently I shuddered when I saw Revhead’s response.

To think the boys who created this “pro-rape” Facebook group could be brought in front of a man who believes saying “no” to sex holds the same weight as saying “no” to doing the ironing, or that consent is one of those mysterious things women have that men could not possibly understand - such as when they know you’ve been to the pub even though you said you were working late - is terrifying to me and bad news for society as a whole.

Later in the article, Pollard quotes the outgoing master of Wesley College, Reverend David Russell, as saying:

“There is no question in my mind, women are seen as meat. That is the awful, ugly truth of it.''

Unfortunately, Reverend Russell, with the evidence presented here, I totally believe you.

Raining On The Gay Parade (Gay stuff can be shit)

2009-11-07T15:48:00.000-08:00

It’s well known in the lesbian community that when you first apply to the Union, there are certain requirements you have to fill:

1: You must have recognised that, in hindsight, your fascination with Linda Carter and / or your 3rd grade art teacher was not merely admiration of her talent, but rather Talents, with a capital T - for Tits.

2: You must own at least one pair of Doc Martin boots and / or Birkenstock sandals.

3: You must be able to recognise the music of the Indigo Girls or Melissa Etheridge within a few beats. (Extra points if you can name the song, album and brand of leather pants / flannelette shirt worn at first stage performance.)

It sounds fiddly, but it’s totally worth it for the Hello Kitty toaster oven.

To be honest,
the first time I heard Melissa Etheridge, I wanted to gouge out my ears with a spoon. I gritted my teeth and bore it because that’s what I had to do. Ms Etheridge is a Dyke-on, and therefore, she got a pass.

This week, while culling my iTunes (stolen iPod = you bastards took my soul!), I realised I have enough Melissa Etheridge in my collection to ensure my Union membership and that of several baby dykes. And I like her now, so she stays, but I found myself keeping many other artists whose music I don’t particularly like, but I listen to because they are gay. And I am gay. And we are gay together. Tra la la.

I got to thinking, about that and wunderkind Doug Pollard’s ShameShame column, because as much as you can ask, “should we expect more from gays just because they’re gay?”, I think you can also ask, “Do we expect less from gays and cheer for them regardless?”

Let me start by agreeing that yes, queers are under-represented everywhere – media, politics, music, film and life in general. Yes, tall poppy syndrome is hideous because we are all beautiful flowers and should support each other and stroke petals and pollinate and… is this getting dirty? I’ll stop. Yay for gay.

On with the cabaret.

Do homos get a free pass with you? Do you sometimes look at what is being offered by way of gay TV shows, movies, personalities and politicians and think, “Bejeezus that’s a lot of crap. And it’s getting on my shoes!”

How many times have you spent money seeing / buying a movie, knowing that beyond the bad production, poor scripting and non-existent acting, your only reward will be the lead love interest killing themselves, killing their lover or dying tragically?

How often have you spent $40 on a book in the Gay and Lesbian section at Borders and then wondered where the other $34.95 worth of plot went? And how much extra would you have to pay for an editor? Have you looked at Penny Wong recently and thought that, when you voted for her pants suit, you should perhaps have checked the “Property of Labor’s party line” label stitched on her left buttock?

Do you trudge to The Peel every weekend, not because the smell of old sweat and carpet sperm is a turn-on, but because you’re terrified it will close down? Did you buy all forty bajillion seasons of the UK and US Queer As Folk, despite one being a rip-off of the other?

And The L Word. THE L WORD. Shame on you, Ilene Chaiken, and shame on every lesbian who encouraged her. We endured manatees and dead Dana and goddamn Shenny and plot holes large enough to march Mardis Gras through and yet we begged for more. Absolute sadists.

Why do we do these things? Why? Is it really just because they’re gay? Is it because the people involved are gay? Is it because we are all gay together - tra la freakin’ la? Do I really need five copies of The Divine Miss M’s “I’m Beautiful” (yes) and the entire Bright Eyes catalogue (probably not) in my iTunes?

Is “gay stuff” getting a pass from our community just because it’s gay? Should we continue to fork out attention and pink dollars for shows, music and personalities that don’t represent us or give us value for money, in the hopes the force of our combined faggotry will one day breed glittery magic?

While I agree Bob Brown cannot be yoked with every rainbow hope, I also believe it’s not too much to ask that a gay person of influence speak (frequently) on gay issues. I just as strongly believe that, just because it’s gay, doesn’t mean we have to be happy about it.

We need to push for something better, and show our disdain for crap by not shovelling it up with wide grins. If it sucks, say it sucks – don’t support it just because the creator of said suckiness happens to suck dick. Those of us who can create something better need to do that. Now, please.

And the next time Ilene Chaiken makes a TV show, I’m handing in my toaster. Union be damned.

Queer Culture Vs Gay Marriage: A union made slightly left of heaven?

2009-11-07T15:27:00.000-08:00

Our Queer Community is often a “community” in the loosest sense of the word. We are grouped together because society views us as different from them. But we are also very different from each other.

Perhaps more than any other “minority” group, Queers can struggle to find common ground. Gay boys are boys, and they like boys. Gay girls are girls, and they like girls. It’s elementary. We couldn’t have less in common – except straights look at both of us funny. Bisexuals? Straights and homos look at you funny. Transsexual / transgendered / intersex? Everyone looks at you funny.

When it comes to Queers, not being “straight” is all we have in common (and sometimes not even that). Our rainbow spectrum is broader than the human eye can discern. All too often we straddle the border between “Community” and “I stand with you because the enemy of my enemy is my friend”.

So how do we define Queer Culture? Well, it involves a lengthy process of wrangling, a little leather and a lot of finess. And all too often you squeeze the rainbow too hard and little queer skittles pop out.

Queer Skittles of Doom.

Queer Culture – not gay culture, or trans-culture, but collective Queer Culture – clumps GLBTIQs together and stamps a sticker on our foreheads which should read: “Manufacturing processes differ for each product. Similarity not guaranteed.” (And warn in fine print, “Contents may settle in transit.”)

The definition of Queer Culture is, paradoxically, that it defies definition.
Each letter in our acronym has its own tribal culture. The Gays have a dance: Disco. The Lesbians have a haircut: The “Shane” (FYI, “fashionable mullet” is an oxymoron). Rainbow families have a diet: organic gluten-free veganism. With a side of bran.

Within each tribe are further sub-cultures: Bears, Butches, Genderqueers, S&Ds, Drags, Divas, Bois, Twinks… It’s list-alicious. How then are we expected to fit cohesively under one (albeit colourful) banner? Like trying to present a world’s worth of indigenous people as one cultural group - just because they are all “indigenous” and some of the men wear skirts – it’s impossible.

When you give up on lifestyle groups, there’s still the matter of relationship structures. The “Q” gets a real work-out here. A straight-identifying woman raising a child with two gay men – Queer. A trans-man in a hetero-normative marriage? Queer. A lesbian sleeping with a man? Queer. And they’ll suspend your union card.

Relationships grey things up in the Rainbow Nation. Monogamy? Check. But also check monogamous-open partnerships, non-manogamy, primary-partner polyamoury, multiple-partner polyamoury and the dedicated few who remain ~~whores~~ non-partnered individuals.

Then comes families.

I think queers have a clearer, more-informed view of what makes a “family”. We alone are brought up knowing that love is not a genetic certainty and blood is not thicker than water, because our families could, at any moment, abandon us for being who we are. I personally have a brother, a sister and several mums. But in the eyes of the law, I am an only child with a single mother. Any Queer would understand my family structure without question, because we know what it’s like to make our own families. The average non-queer is stumped: “You’ve lost me – start again. And slower this time.”

Queer families are chosen, built, planned and fought for. We blend, we adopt, we claim, we seek and we adapt. We come together. We are Fam-i-ly.

What’s my point?

A WordPress blog address was posted on my Facebook page recently. It’s called queerkidssaynomarriage. Yup, you read that correctly. It’s a group of Queer kids raised by Queer families who believe the “gay marriage agenda” is undermining the foundation of Queer culture. It’s very well-written and makes cogent arguments on some very important Queer-centric and wider Humanitarian issues. I read it, then I read it again, and then I considered it, mulled, ruminated and finally did a little Walking Man, because don’t we all miss the early 90s? (No? Just me then?)

I became increasingly alarmed by this new twist on an old argument from a different camp.

So, let’s talk gay marriage. Don’t groan at me.

When straight people tell me they don’t agree with gay marriage, my response is simple: “Your mum wants gay marriage. She rates me.” Not mature perhaps, but it gets the point across. When homos tell me they don’t want to get married, I tell them, “That’s fine. When you can legally get married, don’t” - and then I swallow the urge to bite them. See, I may not want to get married right now either, but damned if I’ll let anyone tell me I can’t. Them’s fightin’ words.

But this blog had me alarmed, because of this: Take the distilled central argument, “Gay marriage would destroy Queer Culture”. Now, replace the word “Queer” with “straight”. Sound familiar? Okay, try instead replacing “Queer Culture” with “Sanctity of Marriage”. Ta da! Haven’t you heard this argument somewhere before?

Let me reword it for you. “If Queers have access to equal rights and recognition under the law for the purpose of marriage, it would ruin our community; it would tear apart our families and bring about the destruction of our society.”

The alarm you now hear is actually the cackling laughter of Rev. George Pell and Tony McClellen as they toast each other over a dinner of roasted puppies.

No, they have no connection to this site - as far as I know it is the genuine thoughts of a group of passionate, rational queers. And therein lies my issue.

The argument that including gays in the institution of marriage will discriminate against non-manogamous queers and therefore undermine Queer Culture creates, by its very nature, discrimination. If you say inclusion (“conformity”) is the antithesis of Queer Culture, you disenfranchise a large section of our community that wants – and has every right - to put up a picket fence and grow some gaybies.

To say “conforming” to a “hetro-normative institution” will tear our community apart, is divisive in itself. Queers have no more right to tell each other than cannot get married than “straight” people do, and by doing so, I would argue they are not being subversive, they are unintentionally conforming to a hetro-normative, exclusionary ideal.

To claim that fighting for – and winning the right to marry would then take the fight out of our community, reducing us to “normal” and “average” plebeians happy with the “status quo”, and so we should instead fight against marriage and stick together and fight larger issues… is a lot of times to use the word “fight” in one sentence. And also logic so convoluted that it broke my brain. Now there are memories of my childhood I will never get back. Thanks, interwebs!

As Queers, we are inherently different from the societal “norm”, but we are also different from each other. This can make it hard to stand together and there are many things we will never agree on (except the universal truth that boobs can be awesome.) But subversiveness and individuality are not traits unique to Queers, nor are they inherent. The average queer may be queer, but they can still be average.

Wherever you stand on the idea of gay marriage – rings in hands or running from the altar – there is something we can all agree on: Discrimination sucks. It sucks, and it blows (see also: your mum). Where there is discrimination, we must fight it. If Queers want to marry, then they should have that right. A gay marriage will not undermine a straight marriage, and it will not make me any less of a raging Queer.

Who we are and the way we each chose to live is what makes us unique little butterflies; denying us the right to make those life choices just reduces us to second-class. And there’s nothing “sexy” about that. Repression and apartheid might start a fire in a group of people, but it takes passionate individuals to flame it to an inferno.

The blog is right: we, as a culture of Queers, should be fighting for the “big issues”, just as we, as individual humans, should be fighting for the big issues. But I do not accept that social and legal exclusion of a group of people based on their difference to a larger group of people is a small issue.

Queers should have the right to choose to marry. We should fight for that right. And then we should work on creating world peace, one shag at a time.

Thoughts on Australia's Human Rights Charter

2009-11-07T15:24:00.000-08:00

Prompted by a Sydney Star Observer story (yeah - "rughts" act. Whoops, right?)

My thoughts (November 5th, 2009 @ 6:04 pm)

If it wasn’t against what we both stand for, I’d marry Kirby and have his gaybies. Trufax.

One need only look to – strangely – Australia's ex-PM John Howard for the best pro-Human Rights Charter argument. In his August 27, 2009 opinion piece in The Age, Howard said this:

“If the US and Canadian experience is a guide, issues such as abortion and gay marriage would not be resolved by our elected representatives but the courts.

“Comparing the Australian and Canadian approaches on gay marriage is illuminating. In Australia, the government which I led decided in 2004 that the Marriage Act should be amended to define marriage as a voluntary union for life between a man and woman to the exclusion of all others, thus precluding the possibility of recognising same-sex marriages.

“In Canada it was not so simple. In a series of decisions the courts had declared that prohibitions on gay marriage, enacted by some provinces, were contrary to the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Only by Parliament passing a law expressly overturning those decisions could the provincial prohibitions have been revived. This was a theoretical power only. In practice it was not a realistic option.

“Thus it was not Parliament which expressed the will of the Canadian people on this sensitive social issue, it was the courts. Surely that was wrong. Irrespective of the views one might hold on the issue, don’t the people, through their elected representatives, and at all stages, have the right to decide those issues?”

Yes, Mr Howard. The court had the right to overturn the parliament on an issue that would have involved denying the rights afforded to every human being, whether their voices are in the minority or not. Because it is not the loudest people that are the most deserving. It is, simply The People.

In Australia, where parliament obeys the whims of the loudest voices even though they are not of the majority opinion, a Human Rights Charter is essential. Because our voices may not be loud enough, but we do count.

(For you sadists, the ex-PM's ~~wank~~ rant can be found here at The Age website.

My S&M affair with Bruno: The Top 5 things he taught me about gay rights and marriage equality

2009-11-07T15:14:00.000-08:00

I watched the movie Bruno as part of the Equal Love gay marriage equality fundraiser, and so began my sado-masochistic love-hate affair with Austrian flamer and celebrity whore Bruno.

It hurt so good. Watching him cavort across the screen through splayed fingers and laughing until every ethical sensibility ached like a broken tooth, I then left the theatre to join a room full of people asking each other the same question: Did you like it? And I knew what they were really asking was: Do I like it?

Oh, there was more laughter and applause than gasps of shock and wailing, but we struggled to admit that this was a guilty pleasure we devoured like a full-fat cheesecake while standing with our heads in the freezer, or that time our partners fell down the stairs and really hurt themselves, but we laugh-peed a little bit anyway.

Did I like it? It's a question I've been mulling over all night. I don't know if I've settled on an answer yet, but I did come up with a list. So here's the Top 5 lessons that Bruno taught me about gay rights and marriage equality.

5: Discrimination is bad (even if you are a fame-hungry, boundary-demolishing, sissy queen from Austria).

To say Bruno crosses the line sometimes in the areas of social mores, general good taste and distance the average person should keep their genitals from your eyeballs, is a gross understatement. And by gross, I don't mean “large” - I just mean “gross”.

We are all entitled to our own beliefs and to live our lives with respect. My way is, of course, the best way to live, because I am fucktastic, but that does not give me the right to attack others, however untrendy they may be. And in seriousness, when people are discriminated against for reasons that are not shallow, but are instead a part of who they are - their colour, religion or who they love – that's a problem.

And, like a t-shirt at Bruno's “Straight Dave” cage fight that reads “My A**hole's just for Sh*tting”, double standards are tacky. Bruno heavy handedly shows us that a group of hetrosexual man-beasts are more than happy to scream about straight pride, freedom and what they do with their man-ginas, but are less enthusiastic when it comes to tolerating another way of life. Specifically, one wrapped in a tiny, tiny thong.

The Lesson? Every consenting adult has the right to live freely and openly. As long as same-sex couples are treated differently under the law, gay discrimination has a government stamp of approval, and certain members of society will exploit this to justify their prejudice. And that's not cool. GLBTIQ people have done nothing wrong. In fact, we do many things right – much better than heterosexuals ever could. Like giving head. So why are we punished? That needs changing.

4: Equal rights create acceptance (and remove ammunition from Gay Converters, who inevitably have blow-job lips).

Bruno makes fun of one of our favourite nemeses – religious groups who think they can convert homosexuals. Is it new? No. Is it cheap? Maybe. Is it funny? In that way gallows humour is always funny, definitely.

Lesson? Removing segregation of same-sex couples (yes, I said segregation - the dictionary told me to) from areas of the law, and treating them as people who are equal in their own right, will breed acceptance. When it comes to civil marriage, treating 'mos the same as every other sophisticated power couple - or drunken, ill-conceived hook-up - will improve things because less harassment, discrimination and targeted violence towards the GLBTIQ community is good.

And fewer self-hating homos is very good - not just because it's likely to reduce suicide rates in our community, but because if I have to read another book, or see another film about a sad homo who hates him/herself, I'm going to gouge my eyes out with a melon-baller.

When homos no longer feel unworthy and abnormal, Gay Converters will lose a lot of business. And be able to put their blow-job lips to better uses, just as God intended.

3: Same-sex couples can create healthy, stable family units (and open the door to hilarious “Gayby” t-shirts).

Some may say Bruno's perceived mistreatment of his adopted baby is hardly a case for same-sex couples and family. To them, I say STFU. Juxtaposed against the extreme, hideous lengths the hetero parents in this film will go to to make their kids famous, calling your kid a fruity name seems the least of childhood traumas. Gay dads are awesome. Gay mums are awesome. Rainbow and blended families are every kid's dream, right?

The Lesson? A mother or father who has been in a long-term, stable same-sex relationship still has to face the world as though they were a single parent because they are not “married”, and there's a problem there. We need to recognise same-sex couples for the loving families they are.

And please, give every one of those poor model-to-be kids in Bruno to homos STAT. He may think of them as glorified spoodles, but they'd be better off than with fame-hungry parents who don't care if their toddlers operate heavy machinery or are exposed to experimental science and medical testing, as long as they have a shot at the B-list. And “Gaybies”? Come on. Made.Of.Win.

2: All love is worth fighting for (even if it has to be done in a cage).

Although you've probably heard about this scene, I won't spoil it too much, other than to say this:

The Lesson? If two people are so strongly in love that they would risk the wrath of 800 uneducated, unwashed, alcohol-fuelled rednecks in a 'roid-rage frenzy just to put hands on each other, the least they deserve is the right to have a big gay wedding, with all the frills and chiffon this country can provide.

However, before trying this stunt, I might have recommended a Thorazine drip, glass of milk and a good lie-down.

1: Equality benefits us all (if we ever want to feel comfortable in a movie theatre again).

The most important lesson to come out of watching Bruno for me is this: The sooner we have the same rights as everyone else, the sooner comedians will stop creating stereotypical, character-driven gay satire that justifies outrageousness with the thin veneer of exposing homophobia, and is as uncomfortable to watch as laughing with a mouth full of glass.

And you will laugh. Oh yes, you will sometimes roar with laughter. But the wounds on your morality will last forever.

So, did I like it? I must say the jury is still out.

As a part of the Equal Love campaign, and fighting daily for marriage equality, perhaps that makes me a little more sensitive to the element of negativity that comes from someone perpetuating often-cruel gay stereotypes, to make a point that may be lost on the non-discerning audience member. Certainly a lot of gay press is telling me I should hate Bruno out of principle. But I didn't.

I don't know that I would've been as comfortable with the laughter – or as trusting of its tone – if I hadn't seen the movie in a room full of queers and our peers. We were laughing with Bruno as much as laughing at him, and when we laughed at him it was for the “right” reasons.

Sascha Baron Cohen doesn't take the high road with his comedy. Despite the promotional materials touting an expose on homophobia, you really have to pay attention and be coming from the right mindset to spot the lessons I listed above. And I may not watch Bruno again, but I'm not disappointed I watched it the first time.

It was an experience. A morally corrupting experience, sure. But those are the best kind.

In The Raw: An Introduction

2009-11-07T15:01:00.000-08:00

Getting my facts out of the way would go much like this: 26-year-old lesbian runs wild, runs off at the mouth, lives a life uncensored for better or worse; gets self in trouble, doesn't notice, doesn't much care, keeps going with a wicked smile on her face... Other stuff, blah blah blah, etc.

Yes, the facts would go much like that. And look, they did! So all is good.

I fight for things I believe in. And while I might not believe in too many things, the ones I hold are strong, vocal and hard fought for.

In the outside world, as much as in this blog, you'll find I lack the filter between my brain and my mouth. Stuff comes out edited only for grammar. So if you have fragile sensibilities, my presence is probably not the place for you. But if you stick around, I can guarantee fun will be had.